read and get bored

the question

2008-05-22T05:15:00.000-07:00

hi everyone! (if theres anyone lol) its been quite a while. i almost forgot what if felt like to blog already... anyway i've been keeping pretty busy, even tmr i've got an exam and yet i feel compelled to write this. if no one reads this then let this post be part of a memory then.

i haven't been doing much deep reflection lately until i visited legion last week during my break and gave my bible sharing. Actually thinking back, i was probably venting all my withheld angst and frustration then. it felt good. as legion always does.

recently, Hansel has been getting me to do some serious thinking about the way things are. basically after leaving sji, living the faith has become so difficult. even in CJ. religious classes aren't held every week... only once in 3 maybe. and it doesn't feel the same... it's as if they're going through another period without bothering to ensure that we're learning anything out of it- as if they're just going through the motions.

they cover topics like "choices" or "the shroud of turin"or "family". but haven't these things been covered since the earlier days of primary school? true, not every catholic in CJ has been through a catholic school, but even moral education classes have covered them. "the shroud of turin" was new...but from what it seemed, they were teaching it as something that roots us to the faith. an object rooting us to the faith? doesn't convince me... and i've heard that the teachers receive what they're supposed to teach us the day before RE periods... how is that supposed to make us catholics feel? CJ has always claimed to have that special responsibility to catholics... and what about those catholics that chose to come to CJ even though their points could have taken them elsewhere? does it feel that CJ has let them down? where is the catholic ethos?

there are masses every mon, wed and fri, but it doesn't feel the same as morning prayer. truthfully i started going back for morning masses for very shallow reasons- the girl i liked became my anchor to my faith. feeble excuse. previously in sec 3-4 i used to be the pillar that called people for mass with me to risen christ, now... i can't even bring myself to it. what's hapenening?

i've been hearing that seniors who left sji have changed, undoubtedly that's ineveitable, but many have been feeling lost. i guess i can join the club...

so i questioned myself... why? why is this happening? what's new in this equation that has been left out before? my only answer : women.

im not being misogynistic or anything. i don't hate women and i don't blame them for anything that has happened. it's just that they change the environment that i've been used to.

right now, friends who used to talk about many things, now only talk of their girlfriends, their crushes, their love lives. and sometimes if some girl annoys u, u just wouldn't snap back, for fear of hurting their feelings or something, as if they were fragile things. even thoughts are tailored to let what ur saying sound good. maybe we're taking the phrase "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" too seriously.

but anyway, problem for me now is that my faith is dying out... as if some strong wind were snuffing out the remaining fire in me. or rather...embers... cinders...sparks...

im really looking forward to YISS...thank goodness nat pulled me along for it. i'll take her word for it as a "life changing experience". perhaps my search for my sleeping conscience will come to an end. hopefully my flame shall rekindle. i want to feel catholic again.

God save me. God save all of us.

shifting to wordpress soon

2008-02-27T00:42:00.000-08:00

hello everyone! i think i MIGHT be shifting to using wordpress soon...cuz it seems like alot less trouble haha! but i guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

speaking of which, i must say, for the FIRST time in my LIFE, i feel so satisfied and happy with my side of the green grass.

alright so im defying the trend of being emo. but i don't care. i don't think i've been this happy in a very long while. in fact... i don't think i've ever been this euphoric!

why? NO... i didn't get a girlfriend. it's because of alot of things. things that i should appreciate that i never did before. thank goodness i haven't lost those things yet. usually people lose them before being grateful for them.

and also because of cjc. im in LOVE with it. im addicted. true its fun, but in a sick sort of way... i kind of like the work im doing too...my subjects are quite tough, but hey im enjoying life. and i am HAPPY.

however, i guess u can't always have a perfect picture... when there are ups, there are downs. advantages, disadvantages. pros and cons.

so what are the cons???

im going to miss those people whom didn't make it to cjc even though they really wanted to. sure i guess i'll see them around... but it's not the same...

but i guess u can't have everything in life... so i wish them good luck in life and wherever they may be posted to. and hope that they get through the transition period asap, for their own sakes.

what the phuture holds

2008-02-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

its amazing how paradigms can shift so rapidly in jc. for one, just looking at a recent previous post, i mentioned i didn't think i was going to join rugby, well well, how things change haha!

Furthermore, my subject combination is undergoing MASSIVE transformation. currently, i'm taking physics maths econs and histH1. while pondering, i thought that i would change to hist maths econs and litH1. but yet again, i've decided against it. i've finally decided after much consultation from seniors and the prerequisite list for university.

HELM it is

hist econs lit and mathsH1.

why u ask? why not maths H2? as is the path often tread.

many factors contribute to this.

just to name a few important reasons:

1. I HATE MATHS- always have always will (sorry andrew!haha). if i take H2 i predict it'll be a repeat of sec sch, how i constantly have OVERLAPPING remedials for sciences and maths and all because sji's a science school and humanities were considered luxuries.

2.i'm absolutely disinterested in any science faculty in university.

3.i discovered that H2 maths not coupled by phy or chem doesn't qualify me to take any science faculty courses anyway. and if you're wondering if i'm considering taking either physics or chemistry, u can bet ur life on it that i'm NOT ever taking phy or chem EVER again.

4. i had flair for literature back when i was sec 1-2, i think its worth a gamble to try it out.

oh yeah, and for those of you who are wondering what i got for O's, i got a disappointing FAT DISGUSTING 14.

my good subjects had bad grades and my bad subjects had okay grades. not a good combination

just so you know and NEVER PESTER me again to know my grades. here they are.

eng-b3
hist elect-a2
emaths-a1
amaths-b3
phy-a2
chem-b3
chi-c6

im not an elitist for grades, but i do wish they were better. and for those of you whom i got better grades than, i'm not gloating. i've just got a personal standard issue.

and btw i completely hate people who base whether or not they should associate themselves with you because of your grades. manipulative arses who don't befriend people unless they have something to gain from you. disgusting.

crossed fingers

2008-01-23T03:30:00.000-08:00

today is a day of mixed feelings for me...i've just nicely settled in to cj life. class...friends...cca... etc.

its most disconcerting to know that tomorrow might be the day it all ends.

hopefully it doesn't. and i get to continue on for the next 2 yrs in cj.

already im so attached to so many people and the whole place in general.

it's so fun. so conducive. so everything.

hope is frail but hard to kill.

i say im not worried... but am i? perhaps a little.

if i cant stay then i'd still have to complete the next 2 weeks in cj i guess...

after all i promised i'd be an asset and i can't let bro paul's high regard of mr ang go down.

first obstacle this... next one... what subject combi... next one...confirming cca

they aren't difficult in a sense like weird amaths questions... the difficulty lies in the choice.

however limited, however broad.

jc life!

2008-01-04T05:09:00.000-08:00

jc life... it ROCKS!!! completely and entirely to the core. cjc is the funnest place to be. orientation has been an absolute blast so far. and i still cannot believe that im in cjc... hahaha oh well. in my index group, most of them are quite sporting people who participate, so i guess i made quite alot of new aquaintances over the past 3 days. my facils liselle and elton are uber nice and they did give us alot of advice esp about subject combi.

familiar faces are everywhere. and im not just talking about sji guys and seniors, im talking about old church friends, primary school mates, people whom i thought i would never meet up again with.

i've decided to change my subject combi though that is after jae... because im taking the same subjects but i swapped a h1 and h2 subject. but then for pae it really doesnt matter cuz in cj everyone does 4 h2s for the first month. so that if we decide to drop a sub to a h1 level it doesnt affect our pace. i've decided to take arts instead of science even though people tell me that during exam periods its alot of content to go through. and since i dont see a sciencey career in store for myself... i guess it really doesnt matter

the games today were all too fun. rolling around in mud...facil kill bowling...flour game...etc. and i think the programme is very organised cuz theres even fillers that kill the time during technical difficulties. mass dance was quite enjoyable even though most of us just follow and dont even know the steps hahahaha...

and the cca bizarre today was very interesting. i signed up for 3 things (no obligation yet) canoeing---trails are next wed. ODAC---cuz its sounds quite fun, and i had company signing up for it haha. and rugby---cuz hansel BEGGED me to sign up... man they're desperate... but anyway i dun THINK i'll join rugby, im not cut out for it. and i really dont have a "passion" or inclination towards that sport. i never liked playing rugby in school.

all in all. CJC RAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hi! im REALLY back!

2007-12-29T09:41:00.000-08:00

hello people! its been SOOO long since i blogged... i guess after i lost my password i just had this mental inertia to get started blogging again. but im BACK!

well truth be told, the reason why im back blogging is because i have so much to say and yet the information is meant for no one specific. so it'll be weird if i suddenly bring it up. well i've got a few things on my mind right now.

one of them being school term starting again next yr---a few days! its so incredible, the holidays have past so fast, i remember after O' levels how i used to have this paranoia that i havent done revision before i went to sleep... but there was nothing left to mug for! and now im having to emotionally prepare myself for a whole new environment. well true, im much better off than most students, seeing as it is some of my friends are coming with me to cjc, yet we're all in different orientation groups, so perhaps it will still pose a challenge.

THANK GOD i made it to cjc. thank God for mr ang who helped me write that letter. i honestly never dreamed it possible for me to enter cj for the first month! i mean when i appealed, i just thought that it wouldn't hurt anyone to try... i didn't think i'd actually see bro paul in person!(though i must say the interview was... a bumpy ride)

and i guess theres that old, long-discussed issue of letting go. byebye sji! im moving onto the next phase in my life. i will always have ties and feelings for the school. almost everything i've seen, touched and used in sji has become of sentimental value. thanks sji for being my stronghold for the past 4 yrs. i think i've met the most generous, concerned and determined people there ever. i suppose almost every josephian who has been involved will feel a certain sadness when leaving, but i guess no pain no gain. i will always love sji---(the people and not the building...though it is quite nice... haha)

and there is one last thing that has been bothering me this whole holiday, especially this christmas season. have i given of myself enough to others? perhaps not... and maybe thats the sadness i feel in myself, for disappointing myself and possibly others. i mean sure the gift of love home visits were great, but i didnt feel connected somehow... maybe im jaded? after 4 years? and i really don't think that dropping a few pence of my coins in london to aid homeless people counts as helping anyone.

when the holiday began, i thought of many great things, volunteering at hospitals...joining a youth group... helping out the redemptorist mission team... but...nothing. i have achieved a big fat nothing this whole holiday because i simply FORGOT about all these noble notions once i entertained myself through my gaming consoles etc etc.

im feeling detached from God because of all these things. CHRISTmas is supposed to be about God and i don't know why i didnt feel anything special this year. i don't know why i've also got this annoyed attitude. i snap back at people for very small things. and when im supposed to be doing something for other people, im very hasty with it.

oh well... im hoping that cj could possible rectify that, though i know that the change must start with me. hopefully the environment will change me again. i feel weak, without the strength of God as my support. perhaps strength in numbers will help when i enter cj, at least for that short period of time. why have i come to question God's providence? and why now of all times after he helped me get into cj?

IM BACK!!!

2007-09-05T06:47:00.000-07:00

hi everyone! im back from such a long time hiatus! (as requested by glen...) anyway just for your information, i actually had to change my password to get in again. apparently my password/username isn't as how i remember it. So to save my blog from the loneiness and to swipe away that layer of dust collected on it, i've decided to revisit this spot for a little moment and blog. But don't expect that im going to be blogging regularly now, this is just really a sort of long "tag".

i was just at the shine jesus shine youth rally 2 days ago. and something happened that was truly quite unexpected.

i was mugging with hansel at united square mcdonalds for the whole day until about 7.40 when i decided it was time to drag his butt over to novena church. i really wanted to go because i thought it would be a great break and a good relaxant pill. turns out that i wasn't in the mood for the jumping and screaming after all. so we stood up at the back till about 8.15 before we decided to go back to mcdonalds to mug some more.

then when we were at the underpass next to the mrt station, hansel told me my bag came open because my bag was full of heavy books which moved the zippers i guess.
so i decided to check my bag for anything missing. there was.

MY HANDPHONE.

so we calmly went back to novena to search, where we met up with glen. we searched EVERYWHERE. but we couldn't find it. and i was hoping that some kind soul from church found it. i even sprinted all the way back to mcdonald's to check and pass my name and home number to the mcdonald's staff to get back to me if they found anything.

after i ran back i met up with the 2 of them and nat also. and we decided that wince we couldn't find it but then phone was still ringing (silent mode) that it was probably not stolen. (people who steal usually remove the sim card). But i was absolutely sure that i dropped it in the church. after that we just settled at the back of the crowd to wait and at the same time, take part in the rally anyway. by that time there wasn't much jumping, the bulk of it was just benediction and some slow songs.

and i admit i was pretty scared, because with the spotlights shining, we could see that it had started to drizzle. my phone would get soaked and spoilt if it really poured. but thank God it didn't happen, and the better part was that the rally still continued.

so after the rally was coming to a close, i was standing behind a group of sec 4 sji guys. and i was hoping if they would be ever so nice as to help me make one last sweeping view of the church grounds. i didn't even need to ask.

the last 2 songs were the jumpy kind and while they were going crazy, i met up with my "UNCLE liney"/lionel. and i told him my phone was lost. and he just said "why not try calling again" i was going to tell him we tried over 20 times, but anyway it couldn't hurt to try again.
and then i looked away. then suddenly he told me that there was someone on the other line!
and when i spoke to him he asked me if i was looking for my phone.

it turns out it was the NICEST old fogey warden i've ever met who was in the carpark. he told me he found it in the MIDDLE OF THE CARPARK ROAD!!! and it was still intact!

and for me this whole experience was rather enlightening, because i don't think it was just mere coincidence that my phone was lost just for those few hours. Nat said that it was probably God trying to keep me from leaving the rally, and i think shes right. for good reason : i've not been exactly very regular at the sunday/saturday masses. i guess he just wanted me sto spend some time with him.

and i learnt a few things in those few hours. i relearnt that God exists. and during benediction, i guess i learnt that there are other people in the world with bigger problems than me.

i think that the true miracle isnt getting back my phone, i think i always knew that God "took it" and it was safe. i believe that the true miracle is seeing how my friends are there for me in times of need/distress.

SOOOOO0000ooooo......

THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO TRIED TO HELP ME FIND MY PHONE!!!!!
AND TKS GOD FOR RETURNING MY PHONE!!!!!!(even though it WAS you who took it in the first place wasn't it??? hahaha!)

oh anyway i've done a personality test on hansel's blog, and it says im...

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	58%
Type 2	Helpfulness	90%
Type 3	Image Focus	74%
Type 4	Hypersensitivity	46%
Type 5	Detachment	30%
Type 6	Anxiety	86%
Type 7	Adventurousness	50%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	62%
Type 9	Calmness	62%

Your main type is 2
Your variant is social

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

hiatus

2007-07-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

hi, as i'm sure you all have realised by now, i'm kind of on a blogging hiatus right now... i don't really have much time to myself, much less to blog. anyway this post is just to make it official i guess, though it feels pretty oxymoronic to do... well anyway best of luck to the sec 4s who are mugging for prelims. gd luck for the practicals next week!

and if anyone is interested in forming study groups, (sec 4s only) please tell me, i'll try and squeeze it in with my already overloading work schedule. i'm free on most days after 5 (after supervised studies).

MY FIRST HIATUS!!!

the dreaded load

2007-07-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

for the past 3 years, this period of time has always been for me the slackest. mainly because the bulk of the teachers were concentrating on the sec 4 batch, to see them through with excellent results for the o' levels.

this year is my turn. i'm not exactly sure if i can completely trust the school admin when they say that our batch has the most potential to get sji into band 1. it's pretty difficult, and with all the supervised study programmes introduced, it's been hell trying to cope. what with school homework, tuition homework, after school revisions, topical tests, upcoming prelims, subsequent o's... its all stressing.

i feel as if i've undergone a kind of change inside. i feel very much different than before. perhaps less patient, more stony-faced and a constant sense of annoyance to anyone who bugs me in the least. is this permanent? is this what o's is doing to people? or will it leave me once the exam is over?

right now the suspense and preparation are already a huge load on my mind. everyday in school no matter how much i pay attention, no matter how much i study at home, it still seems that my delinquent classmates know something that i don't. i thought i was ready to take on the o levels even before the mid year exams. but seeing how that turned out, i think i still got a long way to go.

people tell me that if i start now theres still a good chance i'm going to do well for prelims. that's the point. i don't know what else to do. i've done my part yet nothing's happening. frustration and irritation is slowly seeping into my life and gripping it with an iron fist. i think this is what it's like to feel unhappy.

RESPECT

2007-07-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

RESPECT.

i want more of that.

i DESERVE more of that.

i've earned it.

you know it.

it's not an ego issue.

since mr nice guy isn't working out for you people. have mr practical. you bite. i bite back. i DON'T care if you're a longterm friend. im going to tell you off. i've had enough aboutbeing disrespected.

i am a SENIOR.

i am a JOSEPHIAN.

i am a FRIEND.

i am your BROTHER.

DON'T take that for granted.

I AM NOT PATHETIC.

you will not step over me any longer.don't take this as a joke. i am dead serious. don't try my patience. you have already worn it down. all the years of curt words and actions have already exceeded my tolerance limits. as a human being, don't you know that's hurtful? or are u just looking for someone to trod on to boost your own ego? well don't pick me,because i won't stand for it anymore.

colourgenics

2007-07-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

another colourgenics test

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

For some time now you have been feeling rather insecure. You are looking for - and needing - an environment that can offer you roots, stability and a position that will relieve you of excess tension and stress.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

quizzes!

2007-07-01T03:05:00.000-07:00

START THINKING OF SIX PEOPLE.- Fill the people in below!- Answer the questions truthfully!
1. Hansel
2. marcus
3. julian
4. moses
5. gabriel
6. jon chen
Have you ever danced with number 1?
-Hansel. hell no... besides he'd probably step all over my feet with those russian esque hooves.

How long have you known number 6?
-Jon Chen. since sec 1 i guess.

Have you ever gotten drunk with number 4?
-Moses. not ever with moses no way... my virginity would be at stake! kidding kidding! moses is harmless. really. or at least i think so.

Has 2 been to your house?
-marcus. yep for the sleepover i had last yr christmas.

Has number 3 ever seen you naked?
-julian. hmmm maybe, but i don't think i've been in the same group as him for any camp except maybe RME retreatin sec 3.

Have you ever gone shopping with 2?
-marcus. yeah probably gone out too many times to remember any specific incident.

Have you ever seen 5 in a swimsuit?
-gabriel. i don't think so, even when we swam at his place during the holidays last year we were all in our clothes...and i still remember he pushed me in! humph.

Have you ever met 1's family?
-Hansel. yep... i AM family hahahahaha!!! but yeah i've met his immediate family.

Does 4 know your surname?
-moses. yeah... staying in the same class with him for 2 years has taught us more about each other than mere surnames.

Have you ever eaten anything infront of 2?
-marcus. DUH! we always go eat macs/ fork and spoon on saturday nights after mass.

Do you trust number 1?
-hansel. probably with my life... if u can't trust hansel, this world's gone nuts.

Have you ever fought with number 5?
-gabriel. we irritate each other occasionally, but nothing drastic, i don't think anyone can HATE gabriel anyway.

When's the last time you talked to 3 in person?
-julian. i think it was today online. haha!

Are any of your top 6 your family?
-even if hansel disowned me... i shall remember our blood relations and say that we're family. but then again everyone above is from legion. so we're all ONE BIG HAPPY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY!!!

Have you ever done something dangerous in school with number 6?
-jon chen. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... never leh... hey chen lets pon AP!!! wheeeee...

Have you ever slept in the same bed with 3?
julian. yeah during certain legion chalets/camps/retreats.

Do you think 5 and 6 would make a good couple?
-gabriel and jon chen. HAHAHAHAHAH!!! if homosexuality wasn't a crime, i'd say they'd make a damn hilarious pair.

Would 3 do anything for you?
-julian. definitely. he listens to my bullcrap every so often.

Has 2 ever helped you out?
-marcus. yep. especially when planning camps together.

Who have you known the longest?
-either moses from class. or hansel from sec 1 legion group

Who have you known the shortest?
-since they're all in my batch, i think i met them all at about the same time.

Has anyone in your top 6 seen you cry?
-i've only cried once since primary 5. which is actually kind of sad... cuz it means i bottle things up inside. but they've ALL seen me angry/moody/depressed

Have you had a crush on 1 - 6?nope. im not gay.

Have you ever done anything illegal with number 2?
-marcus. hmmm well the closest we've ever done was have a nice lunch on a friday afternoon when our trainings were going on.

personal dna code

2007-06-29T06:27:00.001-07:00

HI GUYS!!! i'm feeling a little high after chinese o' level orals. i think i actually did a pretty decent job. looks like all the practise and preparation didn't go to waste.

maybe its a tad early to thank people. but just to show my appreciation...
A BIG THANK YOU TO:
my chinese teacher. TPL!!! i think i'll miss her chinese lessons after the mother tongue listening comprehension... i think i've NEVER looked forward to a chinese period in school until she became my teacher.
my tuition teacher also. she gave me extra lessons to prepare and lots of encouragement.
and to all those friends who i forced into speaking to me in chinese... erm... thanks for your... patience and perserverence? hahaha!

anyway i did this interesting quiz. it's somewhat time consuming, but if u have the patience, it reveals quite a bit about yourself. to me it revealed less about myself than colourgenics did. yet some truths about me were made apparent. though some of them i tend to question... like that one about people asking me for FASHION ADVICE?!?!?!

2nd time today

2007-06-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

i'm posting the 2nd time today. tomorrow is the day i sit for the chinese oral exams. hope i get an easy topic or at the very least do well with a terrible one. i've REALLY put in tonnes of effort in chinese just to make sure i can make it out with at least a b4.

I'm seriously crossing my fingers, hoping and waiting for the best. i NEED that b4. my other subjects are weak. and i DON'T want to have to sit for the paper 1 and paper 2 again.

i absolutely need my chinese. The paper 2 this year wasn't all THAT difficult. if anyone found it difficult, i guess it would probably be because there was a lack of time to complete the whole thing and be satisfied with their answers. i mean... the questions were understandable, just that maybe it was time consuming to attempt to answer all questions.

honestly, i don't know why the stupid 'o' levels can't give us ample time to complete the paper and check through. we're 16 years old. we're not gods of any subject. why can't they just give us a good half an hour more for all our papers. it makes one wonder if cambridge is testing speed or knowledge. i believe it should be more about knowledge.

sure... you can't give us 5 hours for the chinese paper... but having to rush through the paper and giving answers that were perhaps not exactly whole... it really eats into me.

PUHLEEZE... God let the chinese topic tomorrow be an understandable one. and keep me from panicking, stoning or freezing. or if ur feeling generous with me, give me a topic that i've practised before.

kissing quiz

2007-06-28T00:46:00.000-07:00

haha! i spotted this thing on a few people's blogs and i was 'inspired' to give it a shot.

OK galz!!! line up! line up! no pushing... everyone got chance... hahahaha!

EGO!!!

oh well it seems like theres alot of types of kissers. i haven't seen 2 people with the same adjective to describe their kissing escapades. and i agree with julian, perhaps this IS a girl's kind of quiz. mine isnt bad... but some adjectives sound like they're meant for women.

another wasted day

2007-06-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

SHIT. that is how i would describe today. nothing really physically bugged me yet mentally im being bothered.

no... i haven't gone schizophrenic yet. but once again, procrastination got the better of me. and i HAVEN'T done any work at all today. this laziness is not doing me any good. and i know that at the last minute i will be rushing and staying up late just trying to complete my assignments.

at the moment i've completed only about half my homework load. i've got 2 emaths papers, 5 amaths, section c of physics, 1 eng comprehension, and some humanities which is on the official homework list but according to my reliable classmates, we never got it.

i hope my waking up early tomorrow i won't be playing any games or wasting my time by engaging in absolutely redundant activities. everyday i tell myself this "tomorrow is a good day to start" and tomorrow never does come. if i don't start doing my work by tomorrow, i'm so DEAD.

i know for sure that some classmates have not done their work either. i'm not giving excuses. the only difference between me and the bulk of my class A.K.A the rascals is that i'm the 'goody-goody' type. and i can't stand it. i'm the type that will get my homework done (eventually). so last minute i tire myself out and i never start the term on a good footing.

oh well... tomorrow i MUST START

phoenix vs lltc

2007-06-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

this coming friday is the day that lltc commences. for all those of you who don't know what lltc is, it means 'lasallian leadership training camp'.

well i guess the consolations i got when i got rejected in applying for facilitating this camp was true. it is truly a blessing in disguise that i did get rejected. as usual during june, i'm having a problem with procrastination and my homework load hasn't decreased by a substantial lot.

so this period of time gives me a short moment to take a breather as well as gear up for the prelims. they're less than 3 mths away, which might seem such a long time away. but 4 years of experience in sji has taught me that time passes way too swiftly. time and tide wait for no man. i suppose it's true then.

well i'm making every effort to fight back the procrastination. even though making this post was another excuse to get off work. tomorrow, i'll be going back to school in the afternoon for a study group, followed by chinese tuition in the evening. and on friday, i have an extra amaths class in the morning. thank God i don't have to go back for physics remedial. after that i'll be going out with my mum for her office's 'family day' where employees' families are brought out to watch a movie.

good thing the movie isnt all crap. we're going to be watching the fantastic 4 a day after its release. from my point of view, its popular with the general public especially the children who like the "ZAP!" "BANG!" "POW!" kind of comics.

heck i used to be one of them. or rather still am... haha thanks to marvel's xbox xmen legends 1 and 2. i cannot wait for marvel's ultimate alliance comes out.

on a random note: JEAN GREY A.K.A PHOENIX... PSIONICALLY KICKS SOME HORSEMAN BUTT!!!

job prospects

2007-06-10T06:01:00.001-07:00

this afternoon i was contemplating what the true purpose of studying is. studying leads us to exceptional grades for o' level, get into a jc, do well for a' level, army. after army... then what?

naturally, some of us might immediately answer that question with a "university no doubt!", but have we actually given thought to what course we might take? it would decide a large portion of our lives unless we have a mid life crisis and decide to change jobs or switch careers.

well there are a few careers that have appealed to me, and i believe all of them have their pros and cons. so tell me what u think about them.

1. stock broker--- i might end up broke, because the stock market and economy is constantly changing. simply: its just way too risky a job for it to provide a stable source of income to support my 25 kids and my wife.

2. psychologist--- this one was the first job that i ever considered, sadly, one needs to have a masters degree i think to practise in this field. that would require too many years stuck in school. i'd be receiving pensions before i get out of school already.and besides, i could go psycho with all those people with problems coming up to me for assistance.

3.teacher---the usual boring choice. yes yes, its fulfilling and all that bullcrap. but excitement wise, i suppose school is constantly changing. and then theres the prospect of educating imbeciles like those rapscallions in my class. one word: horrific.

4. ahh... the interesting choice... military weapon designer--- hmm it definitely sounds exciting. and i guess i'd be contributing to singapore's defence by bringing into reality equipment thats found in command and conquer 3. but then again... could this job INFRINGE upon the holy laws of the church?... i mean the chances of my designed weapons seeing battle is unlikely, considering singapore being so peaceful. but theres always that chance... if i go for this job, would i be less catholic?

thats the question i want answered.

here we go again!

2007-06-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

once again i find myself blogging in the late of the night, feeling exhausted and unsatisfied with what i've not accomplished over the day. this occurence happens way too often and it irks me quite a bit.

today i started out my day in the most monotonous fashion. wake up. take shower. brush teeth. eat breakfast. then i'm whisked off to chinese tuition over at thomson. following that i'm driven off to physics tuition at market street, while quickly stuffing down some lunch on the way.

after all my tuitions ended. i took the train to toa payoh where i met up with marcus and jeremy for a snack before going for mass. thats the usual part of my humdrum existence on saturdays.

after mass there was this lady that came up to the podium to advertise her church ministry. and she said that before she joined a church group, she was a weekend catholic who spent 50% of her time during mass thinking about what she was going to eat after mass. i actually found it hilarious till i realised that i was actually in the same boat as she was previously in. well she did claim that the church ministry assisted her in changing her life for the better, so i hope that if i join the cathecists after finishing my o' levels mine would change drastically as well.

ok so enough about my boring day. i haven't talked a bit about legion chalet clashing with sjab camp. actually the clash comes as a blessing in disguise. i wouldn't have to spend 2 different weeks at 2 different camps and then trying to juggle whats left of the holiday doing a half-hearted job at attempting to finish up my homework. i think i managed to be at both camps without being missed at either one, quite a feat actually. haha! and it worked out well for me.

for sjab. i got doubly promoted from a mere coporal to a powderful staff sergeant, meaning i just added another 2 big fat substantial points to my cca points. so i probably wont have to worry about cca point deduction problems when i apply for a jc.

and for legion. amazing... its the only chalet when i think i pms-ed the least. the reason why i 'pms' is mainly because i get fatigued over the workload, but in this case, the switching of being at either camp. im thankful for all the positive 'ups' at the camp, especially for what julian and eugene said. hahaha tks a bunch guys! i think thats the nicest thing someone has ever said to me ever. and i really mean EVER. and whats better is that it comes in the form of words. hearing it verbally is so much better than receiving it on paper--- a.k.a affirmations. however, i think we should bring back the idea of affirmations. they're pretty useful, especially for hooking in sec 1s. so sec 3s if you are reading this post, please keep that in mind.

after this chalet, we'll probably have only one more chalet during the december holidays. and thats the end... it'll be the last time the sec 4s including myself are going to stay with legion as a family under one roof. a real pity. i suppose we should really cherish the times that we have left, as little as they may be. i hope there would be more time for us to get together again and do stuff again...xbox matches...pool...conversing in a bitch like manner. whatever. after o's...it's going to be true freedom and liberation. right now, i'm just waiting for deliverance day.

8km runs

2007-06-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

a few weeks back, sji held the x-country run, and i just simply cannot believe how unfit i am.

okay... i actually can haha! though i was in the competitive run, i came in 63rd out of like 96 runners. O.M.G. so with the first o' level paper behind me, i can finally use june to study hard and get my below 20 pts for prelims. But, since life must always have a balance, i suppose i have to balance it with play.

frankly, all my typical methods of playing are getting boring. well i shall reveal certain embarassing destressing secrets about myself which wil be bound to tickle you!

1. i sing (out of tune) in the bathroom hahahah!!!

2. i never got addicted with dota or lan... so this yr sec 4... i've actually gone back to playing NEOPETS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! just to relieve stress!!! and suprisingly, i've got a WHOPPING 1.8+mil in the bank---wow

well that should give you readers the license to blackmail me for the rest of my life. but heck, since its not a secret anymore, you can't do anything with it! ahahah!

so anyway how does destressing and being so unfit come in?

well i've heard that exercise keeps u saner. so i guess i wanted to see if it was really true.
i decided to run like quite a long distance yesterday from my house: down the hill... turn left... cross road...up another hill...down the hill...the outskirts of the park... down to the corner opposite st mary's church... and all the way back straight to home...

all in all that was quite good exercise. but then i realised i still had lots of time to spare. so i decided to push a little more and run the whole thing one more time. honestly, by the time i finished again, as shagged as i was. i was tempted to run again. but it was already getting a little too dark for comfort. all in all i think i ran an estimated 8km yep.

the reason why i didn't run in the park was because (if you didn't know) a few people have died there before. one being the lady who died because a tree fell on her. and there was another girl runner who was murdered there before, and police have never found the killer. i'm not so much afraid of falling trees, but rather that killer. it's rather unnerving if you think about it. some killer at your back, running at you with a knife. i suppose the areas where i run are lightly populated with runners and dog walkers at the time when i ran, but the part of my run where it is behind the park, is a little creepy. (that's the corner where our kranji war memorial bus turned up the first location---to that big stair with the huge golden book in it). for some reason or another there seems to be few people there aside from the occasional passing runners. but i shouldn't think it dangerous because if i were ever assualted there... i could like rush onto the road to call for help... or get knocked down. so yeah. nothing to worry about. haha!

oh and the last thing would be a conversation inspired by a REAL story that happened in bukit panjang mall.

yu jie: hey let's go eat lunch!
me: ok
yu jie: hey do you want anything? (he points to a 7/11 store)
me: whatever la...
yu jie: huh what is it you want? you said i wanted whatever right?
me: anything la...
yu jie: huh?!?!? so what u want???
me: whatever la...anything aso can

HAHAHAH the whole time i didn't know he was referring to the CAN DRINKS anything and whatever.

the phuture?

2007-05-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

it's almost here... i can smell it coming... the "holidays" that is! on the bright side, i'm not as heavily loaded down this june as compared to previous years. on the dark side, i still have to use my time wisely and get down to serious studying for my prelims so i can work my butt into cjc.

what a horror---mid yrs ended for me with a dreaded out of tune note. i think my target was a humble 19 points for the mid year exams. but in the end i landed a big fat 34 points. it's not looking good, but i guess i cant give up just yet. i've heard of people going from 30+ points to about 15 points from prelims to o' levels. so i don't see why my prelims can't go up, and subsequently the detested o's.

sec 4's have been going back this whole week for extra lessons in school as if school never ended. well, i must say that what is being covered is quite substantial in terms of content. i suppose all the subject teachers are rushing topics and forcefully stuffing knowledge down the throats of our minds until we're pretty much saturated. truthfully, i'm choking...

during the chinese o' levels i really spent my all doing it. and i guess to me coming back the next day for lessons as per normal is just simply exhausting. but there have been certain perks of this week that are different from normal school days. i don't have to go for morning prayers anymore, and even though it means not seeing friends in the morning... it means that i get another extra 40 mins of sleep at night. so i can't complain!

and whats more, i won a bet!!!

it was before english period. and i made a bet with ryan and nick that the first thing that ms tracy goh would do would be give us a certain 'omg...-i-can't-believe-im-going-to-teach-these-bunch-of-hooligans' face. and the wager was that if i won, they'd give me 10 cents haha! i know its not a big sum, but heck, it was just for kicks anyway. if i lost though i would have to play maple for 2 days! but although the odds were against me, i still went ahead to make the bet because i KNEW that she would do it.

AND I WAS RIGHT! she made that face! and i won TEN CENTS hahaha!!!

when she came in, her glance swept the room (with that face of course) and the 3 of us who made the bet burst out laughing... usually i'm quite a 'guai kia' in her class la so i surmise that she was wondering why i was having a fit of giggles and what i was so tickling! haha

oh well... anyway miss goh if you ever read this post, i have a few things i have to tell you!
1. please forgive the sucky standards of this post! haha
2. thanks so much for helping me win that 10 cents!
3. if u agree to make that face on days that i bet you would do it, i'd split with you the winnings 50/50!

anguish

2007-05-28T05:13:00.000-07:00

angered. frustrated. anguish. discontented. disatisfaction. incompleteness. imperfection. inadaquate. incapable. broken. incompetent. exasperation. disgruntled. aghast. disillusioned.thwarted.

read me: i am sub zero cold

'o' shui zun

2007-05-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

'o' level chinese paper on monday-anxiety. hope i don't blank out.

hope for chinese!

2007-05-24T06:10:00.002-07:00

Trying to put the terrible mid yr's behind me...(though i'd be reminded of it tomorrow at ptm argh...) i'm looking to monday with a sense of renewed hope!

the first thing that happened in the morning was that the express chinese people were rushed off to the hall to take our mock 'o' level chinese exam. they used the paper that was given in the previous year's chinese exams, meaning that the higher chinese guys would have taken that paper a year before. Interestingly, i found the paper manageable! Thank God for that!

but what i was unhappy with was that the chinese teachers wasted a good 10 mins settling us all down to sit for the paper. meaning that we started the paper at 8 instead of 7.50. and that wasn't all! they had to have SO MANY wrong words here and there in the passages and kept distracting us from our work while trying to correct the mistakes. plural mind you. when it was about 5 mins before the bell rang, the chinese head of dept came up to the front and started asking lame questions like "so who found the paper tough/easy/i don't know?"

and because of those interuptions. i didn't have enough time and left out the last 5 mks question.
in the end they gave us our papers back because it was impossible for the teachers to mark in such a short time. but they did go through the entire paper's answers. and even without the last 5 marks... i got a whopping 43/70 mks for the entire paper. and think: if it was the real exam, starting on time, ending on time without disruptions in between, i could have gotten at least 4, maybe even the whole 5 marks out of that last question.

raising me to at least a FORTY EIGHT for a mock paper. i was pretty pleased with myself for doing such a satisfactory job. haha but then it was marked by myself (though the answers were flashed and it was the correct answer), so jasper told me if i knew the meaning of "zi ji pian zi ji" meaning "i lied to myself". and i said "yah!!! yan er dao ling!!!" hahaha for those of you who don't know, its the proverb in chinese that exemplifying that very same meaning.

so what does this all mean? i'll spell it out for you. it means that my chinese is improving at an unbelievable fast pace, and it gives me reason and encouragement to aim and achieve higher.
hahah maybe the "de cun jing chi" proverb is starting to work in me... a little taste of success makes me greedy for more!!!

the only downside that happened today besides the few hiccoughs at the chinese exam was amaths. ms lim told us that since we did quite badly for amaths, they were going to shift 7 of us out of the amaths class together with 11 people from 426 to another class, so that we can get "more attention" from term 3 onwards. i'm not taking the news of the splitting of class well. but i suppose if it can get me the grades... ... ...

disappointment

2007-05-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

Today was an incogitably horrible experience at school.

why? we got our grades back.

best part: i studied thoroughly and was well prepared for this exam.

worse part: my bubble was popped. BAD

certain subjects i was counting on to pull me up actually didn't come through for me... one even FAILED.
so here goes...

English---60 (they only tested paper 2 A.K.A comprehension and summary)
chinese---50.5 (careless mistakes)
emaths---64 (reasonable i guess)
amaths---30 (169 people failed this paper i think about 218 people passed, but i studied... i have nothing to say about the paper except that it was tough)
physics---64 (i was aiming for an A2... i have no idea what happened)
chem---28.5 (without adding practical yet... but even with adding...not much difference...)
history/ss---47 (the most disappointing paper yet...)

my amaths has always been terrible... yet before i sat for the exam, i really thought i'd at least manage a pass. i guess they weren't setting the paper to cater to people without aptitude for the subject. my chem came as a shock. not so much the failing... i have absolutely no idea what chemistry is about so i knew i'd fail. but with so much tuition , practise and not falling asleep in class i don't know why it's so low. i heard the whole level didn't do so well for this chem paper, yet it doesnt warrant my ridiculously low grade.

ahh... yes. the most disappointing subject... history/ss. truly, i was counting on this paper to bring up a few of my other grades. but it let me down. history and ss is my favourite subject, and every assignment i've done for my teacher seems to be consistently satisfactory. the marks just don't seem to reflect my true potential in this field.

i got 30/50 for my ss which was as usual... satisfactory.
the shocker came when i received my history component... 17/50!!!

i wanted to drop dead on the spot, i felt so hollow. how could this be???
i had a comment "V.poor!!! see me." on my answer script.

so after they went through the common mistakes, i went to queue up to see my teacher, not for more marks, but rather for a damn good explanation for my incomprehendably horrendous mark. she didn't go through everything with me on the spot but she did take a 2nd look at my answer script and she did tell me that i need to work on my skills.

i think i was completely stone, absolutely no emotion on my face... but i guess my voice gave away my frustration or something to that effect. as i was walking away my teacher tapped me on the shoulder and told me to keep trying and not give up. if i remember correctly, i think i forced my lips to open and stretch to form a vague resemblance of a feeble smile back her. already my cheekbones felt as if doing that small action required me to lift the weight of the world... well my sincere thanks to my teacher for trying to enourage me anyway.

it looks like i have alot of work to do to get my prelim grades up to standard. NO more slacking (not like there was any in the first place). after chinese o levels... i'm getting started with revising for prelims. i'm NOT going to lose out to anymore of those idiot classmates of mine.

NOT

highs and lows

2007-05-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

it's truly amazing how the simplest of things can have a great impact on you.

i'm less than 2 weeks away from facing the first major exam in my life: the chinese o' levels
somehow, my passing the school's mid year chinese exams by a hair has given me a little hope for a relatively good grade that i can be satisfied with.

i've been really tied down by alot of things, mainly in the mind and somewhat in the heart.
ever since a month before the mid year exams i've been given a substantial amount of pressure to do well. till now it still hasn't let up. i guess my history teacher wasn't joking when she said the engine mustn't stop working. the school's intensive mother tongue program began just right after the mid year exams were over. giving me absolutely no time to celebrate or even a short breather.

and since intensive chinese started, i've also been going for tuition almost everyday. and i feel a little guilty because... i haven't been very regular at mass because after my tuitions my brains are too saturated and fatigued for any other activity.

yeah, i know mass is supposed to be my relaxant, and i really have no other excuse for going home instead and sleeping it off. i just hope this isn't going to become a habit for myself and that after my exams i'm going to be a fully dedicated catholic again. it sounds pretty bad when i phrase it that way- as if i'm putting aside God for exams, and once again i have no excuse.

24/7 tuition is really blowing my brains out. thank God it's at least doing me some good. my grades have started to pick up i guess.

so back to the simple things, i've realised that i've been getting ticked off at every small bit of inconvenience for me. it has made me a much more stubborn and emotionally detached person. just that day after X-country run at turf city, i blew up at my mum i front of my friends for pissing me off (long story). still... that makes me a bit of a spoilt brat. and i can't stand it... to some extent, i'm a bit of a perfectionist. and i want everything to go well or as expected. and when it doesn't, i just either give up completely or throw a tantrum.

but this matter about small things affecting me, seems to work in a "vice versa" sort of way. apparently the tiniest acts of kindness towards me meets with an extremely grateful heart.
for everytime that someone goes out of the way just to be nice to me, i approach that attempt with a very appreciative attitude. i guess it's an undeserved blessing that people are nice to me, whenever they say something nice or do something small for me, i think that person must be really amiable if they are being pleasant to someone as perpetually pms-ed as me.

all the small things have put a feeble smile on my face for at least a fleeting moment in my disheartenment.

so this post is a special thanks to hansel, who passed me a nice song, and who bothered to ask me how my day went without any reason to know why. a BIG thank YOU!

oh and i guess since i haven't blogged in quite some time... that i'll talk briefly about jubilate-the ij st nicks concert. we came in late and missed the first part, but the others that we watched was something to remember especially that silly "shame on you" video! it kept me laughing for quite some time. and not to forget... the dance group! truly, they deserve their syf gold standard. amazing to watch, pretty colours, beautiful choreography, captivating costumes.

and i finally got to see what a big shot my old tuition friend has become in dance... haha Sandra... you really are quite the dancer aren't you! from what it seems she lives, eats, breathes and sleeps dance. so congrats on your achievements for dance!

(wow this post took me ages to write... im already nodding off to sleep...)

i love chinese

2007-05-13T07:20:00.000-07:00

ok i'm so sorry i didn't blog over the weekend but i'm seriously packed with alot of chinese stuff. thank God im beginning to like the language...

but anyway not the point. i'm using this post to remind myself over the next week to blog about the ij concert a.k.a jubilate.

ok im most probably going to go on a short hiatus... hopefully you all can survive that long without something to gossip about haha! anyway if you are really bored, then go read the previous post. like i said its the most important post ever.

now i have tonnes of cheena homework left to do, so i'm sorry to leave you hanging but i've got to go! see you soon! and for those of you taking o' level mother tongue, all the best to you! God bless!

counter culture

2007-05-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

THE MOST IMPORTANT POST EVER MADE

i am in need of your help! after reading hansel's post about how people especially in school are dissing each other just to assure their own insecurities (go read it's damn interesting) http://www.whatwill-tomorrowbring.blogspot.com/

anyway i've observed and reflected about this. and it's time to come up with an action plan.

and this is mine.

I'm going to start a counter culture campaign against this "suan syndrome" that hansel talks about! Someone told me ages back (probably at my sec 3 RME retreat) that when someone 'suans' you, even if you are able to think of something witty, vulgar or for that matter a violent retort, restrain yourself.

and if you have problems restraining yourself, and you HAVE to say something back to that person 'suaning' you, just say, "JESUS LOVES YOU!!!" (for other religions use the appropraite god's name e.g "Buddha loves you!!!") or something to that effect.

do this because the fact remains that educated people in school will most probably have NOTHING to say against religion for fear of starting a conflict.

and the most beautiful part of it all is that
1. they will be speechless because they are caught off their guard
2. you are actually blessing the person instead of cursing
3. you are "one up" and more dignified than that other person
4.you influence will spread and the school will be a much nicer place to be in
5.such happiness is more contagious and infectious than any insult

So my message is: stop 'suaning' start saying "Jesus loves you!"

It is always better to give life than take it. A simple word like that can change the face of the world. Who knows? with YOUR HELP this counter culture campaign could go far! (maybe even Global!)

so what you can help me with is to have the courage to apply this to your life and stop putting down the people around you and start lifting their spirits!!! SPREAD THE WORD!!!

singing a duet by myself?

2007-05-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

Finally, after a long 1.5 weeks of labouring, i am able to take a short breather. Mid-yr exams are OVER. What a hard-fought battle... haha i'm making it sound like a war! But yes, thank God it's over. Of course it's not a signal for me to begin slacking.

Last night (or rather this morning...) i slept at 4 a.m trying to stuff in last minute information. SURVIVING on tea and sour sweets! Well, as many of you know, i'm a person who 50% studies with music on and 50% not on. Well it's hard not to study for 6 hrs straight without some music to brighten up my day. And i have no idea why, but something reminded me of the movie music and lyrics.

i've never even watched the show myself. Yet something COMPELLED me to find their website, and from there they had samples of their soundtrack. It was entirely engaging! so i went onto youtube and found the videos people had put up for the soundtrack. Since then, i've been addicted to their music.

haley bennett RAWKS this world her voice totally sounds heavenly. All the tracks in the soundtrack sound nice, my favourite being "way back into love" by haley and hugh and "buddha's delight" by haley.

ok the hopeless me starting singing along during my study breaks. HAHA it reminded me of how despo i am!!! whoever heard of singing a duet alone???

btw this is the link (pls go watch it it's absolutely stunning)---http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qAM2zRE3GI

karma!

2007-05-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

Recently, i've discovered that something that has been around since the beginning of time.

KARMA

Honestly, it's quite freaky, we've always had discussions about whether it exists or not. And now, i confirm it does.

Karma is supposed to be a belief of another religion. But that doesn't mean that i'm converting neither does it mean we can simply brush such beliefs of others aside without considering them. Even Catholics like myself (should) believe what goes around comes around(nice song btw). And since that is exactly what karma is... i conclude that karma is very real.

why i say that is because...i was watching this show called "my name is earl" the whole entire series is based on karma and how it changes the life of this horrigible, terrigible, vegetable guy. So basically after watching a few episodes, it started me thinking... does it really affect me? does what i do or say come back around to haunt or bless me?

it does.

to truly see if it exists for yourself, you need to be a more reflective person. at first, i took the whole thing as a joke. so when i'm 'suaning' my friend suddenly something will make me drop whatever i'm holding in my hand. sure, it could be pure coincidence, yet some things led me to believe otherwise.

and i've realised something bad has happened to me after i'd done something idiotic.

nose bleeds...dropping more stuff...accidentally knocking into the sofa...etc.

SO... what im trying to say is that... either karma exists... OR... i'm a real klutz who's accident prone.

the 2nd colourgenics test

2007-05-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

well i've done it again! colourgenics that is. i'm in need of direction right now, so i guess i gave colourgenics a 2nd shot. and guess what? it worked out again! impressive little thing. anyway i'll post up my results and give u an insight of how it applies to my life in brackets.

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation(mid yrs/prelims); but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration(feeling unappreciated esp by certain sec 1's). Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable(yep, can't stand it). Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.(yeah, they mean that i've been made fun of my whole life... wow...comforting)

Rejection is what you fear the most(it either means something is wrong with me, or that someone has something i don't) and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable.(true, i'm much more irritable nowadays) You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.(duh, who wouldn't?)

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time.(i can't care less about someone else's screwed up life now, i've become a selfish bastard) Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress.(it's hard to pretend that you don't care for someone else's problems when i actually do care, but to me it's currently a distraction so i shut people off) The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own.(like there'll ever be a person like that...) You want to be above the standard of mediocrity(i'm a perfectionist) and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge.(my driving force) You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt.(might seem like arrogance) This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.(i should stop holding back?)

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship. ( but a relationship with what? my peers?)

wad should i blog abt?

2007-05-05T07:26:00.000-07:00

Today happened to be an extremely BORING day... firstly i woke up really early in the morning and i was tossing and turning in bed the night before for quite some time. And i didn't have anything much to do in the morning except mug for amaths (which of course i didn't). Then i moved on to physics tuition.

after physics i took a train over to toa payoh where i met up wif julian, marcus and sean. we chatted about VERY INTERESTING things like 'gas' and 'infections'!!! i actually brought along my amaths work to do before proceeding onto mass, but as fate would have it, i ended up conversing instead hahaha!

then at mass, thank God it wasn't that french priest (i forgot how to spell his name) doing mass. i was already pretty shagged after tuition (yep, it's that intensive), and i really didn't need someone to bore me into a sweet slumber. The funniest thing was that marcus was ballistic during mass and started saying VERY INTERESTING things about random people. Then during the homily, even though it wasn't the french priest giving the sermon, he still fell asleep. my, my... a sign of a true blue mugger.

we adjourned to macdonald's across the road, where we had dinner (for the 2nd time!). we talked more due to the ridiculous length of the queue and the slow service. sean called me and told me he forgot his house keys and decided to come back to eat (whee). After a short while, my mum came over to pick me and julian up to go home.

So yeah... all in all... a very boring day. i think its the first post to live up to its blog name hahaha!

the last push

2007-05-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

Finally, after what seemed like the longest wait in my entire life, the weekend has come again. Thank God it's Friday. This whole week i've been having exams, and suprisingly i think i did alright for most of my subjects, with the exception for chemistry today. And i have four days till my next and final paper, AMATHS. The huge hurdle which i barely overcame last term.

Summary of the past week:

1.chinese---half good half bad

2.english---might get somewhat alright grades (not satisfactory)

3.physics---shows good promise

4.emaths---i think i can pass though i didn't put in much effort

5.social studies---probably a few mistakes here and there

6.history elect---slightly better than s.s in essays not sbq... sbq was tough to explain with limited time. hope handwriting was legible enough while rushing through.

7.chemistry---HAHA good game. another slaughter. last minute revision could only get me so far.

Amaths would be on tuesday, meaning i get to skip school on monday.

VERDICT: I approve of amaths being on tuesday, so that i have the whole weekend to study, and i can get better grades. However, i disapprove of amaths being on tuesday because it would restrict my weekend to the endless study of that CONFOUNDED subject. Whether or not i should approve of amaths being on tuesday, depends on the perspective one takes. From a long term point of view, suffering over the weekend would help me get better grades in the amaths paper, and would thus look good on my report card when applying for a jc. From a short term point of view, i should PLAY PLAY PLAY, destress, and relieve myself of the mental torture.

*looks like history balanced conclusion type essays have me hooked.

savage booklust

2007-05-02T04:42:00.000-07:00

SAVAGE BOOKLUST

That settles it. I've decided to force feed myself information and stuff knowledge down the throat of my brain by setting my study mode into overdrive. I'm coping relatively well so far for the mid yr examinations! Let's hope it doesn't go downhill from here on in...

Up till now one of the papers i've completed the chinese exams which was half a disaster. Reason being that the compositions were done almost effortlessly with minor hitches here and there. Whereas the main paper completely slaughtered me. cubed, sliced, diced, anyway u put it, it was a MASSACRE comparable to holocausts.

Then came the English paper 2. Thank God for the English language, for without it, i'd be completely lost. The comprehension questions were slightly tricky, those without a good command of the English language would fall into the traps of those deceptive play around with words. The summary was about the same standard in terms of difficulty. I'd say i THINK i only managed to find about 15 reasons when im supposed to find 16-17... but maybe i had 2-in-1 points, so hopefully it would make up for the lack of content.

Physics was the most exciting paper i would sit for this whole entire mid yr exam period, due to my extreme preparation for this subject. This term... i feel that there is a possibility that i could do well in PHYSICS--- perhaps anywhere from a B4-A1. (crossed fingers). Section B which should be the easiest section to score in became the toughest. MCQ turned out to be suprisingly simple and straightforward. Section C this time wasn't really testing us much on calculations but rather the applications of physics concepts. Like how one thing leads to another and therefore...

However i have a squirmy feeling in my gut for tomorrow's papers. social studies and emaths.
its scary because i've been concentrating so much on revision for other subjects that i've neglected my social studies a little. So tomorrow i'm going to rely on much memory work. Hopefully that can pull me through with little effort in revising as well, because of the AMAZING skills of my social studies teacher. Emaths on the other hand... heheh well let's just say its the opposite of social studies. I've have to rely on last minute memory cramming... but then again it might not help much, because i haven't been getting the fullest potential out of the lessons. i'll leave it as that.

so... wish me luck!

labyrinth of thoughts and dreams

2007-04-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the chinese mid yr exams and for once i actually feel slightly empowered to overcome this barrier and jump the first hurdle towards success. (i've never felt like this about chinese before)

imagine the mind as a labyrinth of thoughts and dreams. full of pathways and almost unlimited options, with imagination as the epicentre of all happenings, a cornucopia of knowledge and information. many doors along the corridors open and close as soon as a window of opportnity presents itself in life, or a risk or chance was not taken, perhaps a mistake.

i've reflected and at this point in my life, i feel that many doors are still open. however, i realise that nothing can happen without effort. right now, all i need to do is to fuel my imagination with inspiration. but how can this happen? my drive is already slowing, my engine has been working overdrive. i've been reduced to relying of the most pathetic means by which i can attain the least amount of happiness- chocolate.

so what i am in need of right now is something that can spark off that flair which i had once so very long ago. i need a MUSE. (with no reference to the rock band)

it could be an item that could inspire me. doubtlessly, that would be extremely vague.

it could be a person. but who? that is what i want to know...

who can be my muse?

(this time with reference to the band) who can set my soul alight?

blogging improves english

2007-04-28T04:30:00.000-07:00

after looking at the pic... i realised i look like a damn gay wannabe poser... oh well... there goes my first attempt at CAM WHORING... actually...whores are mainly for reference to certain women... so i'll give it a new term.... CAM PIMPING!!!

i went to watch the phatom of the opera yesterday. WOW!!! i was completely blown away by the performance. amazing singing. wonderful effects. fantastic storyline. put them together and you get one hell of a damn good performance. i wore my PINK TIE again! which i haven't used since confirmation.

btw i've found out the REAL reason why hansel and other people keep bugging me to blog in proper english!!!

they tell me it's hard to read and understand if my posts are in "chapalang" singlish... but i personally think the REAL reason why is because blogging in proper english actually helps to either maintain or improve one's standard of english.

some of you might remember that in primary school, some teachers will ask you to keep a diary or something or a journal and then the teacher would check it once a week to see if you completed her 2 page journal account of your week.

well... when i had that assignment way back when(primary 4 lolz), i didn't think much of it either. mainly because i was a stuck up idiot who used to beat everyone at english anyway. but i still did my homework anyway just because i was that "guai kia"!hahaha the the drawback: i cheated; i used to write in my

GARGANTUAN font of writing!

to me blogging is similar. but i guess when it isn't under the label "homework", it's much easier to do. besides, modern technology has granted us the use of a KEYBOARD to type instead of drearily scribbling on. i believe it helps improve essay style and brings out the best a person has to offer in terms of expression.

well during the upcoming o' level examinations, i'm considering whether or not to write an exposition as composed to writing a personal recount. it makes you ponder:

an exposition is easy to pass, but one has to be well read and the examiner might get bored marking the same arguments over and over again, unless you pass off as something interesting by siding with the argument harder to fight for. then comes another issue: are you THAT good enough to argue agaisnt the flow? i think not.

then comes the personal recount... it must be something original no doubt, and something striking that comes out of the blue. it includes 3 reflections and a conclusion. it seems that i have a flair for this type of essay...however, it's not a very safe option. the essay is subjective to examiners. furthermore, miss tracy goh told us not to moralise anything (i THINK), but for ME not to moralise is almost impossible. how can u keep emotions and opinions inside of yourself when ur bursting to write what you feel?

narrative: not worth writing because jc/poly doesn't require this "skill" who the hell can write up about fairies and unicorns and make it an original story?

right not my best bet would be the personal recount, but i could change my mind about that. i just did an exposition essay... and from what i feel about it... it wasn't done very well at all. but i suppose the grades would tell me which it would be when i get it back.

comments on the type of essay i should attempt???

manly dandy candy

2007-04-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

It's completely amazing how little i've been reduced to. SO FRUSTRATING!!! School is absolutely stressful now. Pressure is building for everyone because all teachers are just piling us with homework and last-minute revisions for the mid-yrs coming up just around the corner next week. Well to the majority of my class, that doesn't make much of a difference because they've been slacking all the way from the start, so i suppose to them and our teachers, them not doing work is something expected.

Since about 3 weeks ago, i've been sleeping everyday at around 12-2am every night, just so that i can complete my work and revise for exams. Really, it's not much. But hey, even i'm getting sick of informing people how terrible academics is. So let's move on to getting frustrated at something else.

CCA---Crap Coercion Aggression
Well, as you all know, that "fooging" ass-jab cca is driving me up the wall. The more i don't want to be involved because of my studies, the more they pull me back in. But hey, again, you've heard all that haven't you? even if you haven't, i'm very sure you've heard a friend hating their cca at one point in time or another, or more specifically hating UGOs. Well i plan to break that old streak of boring news with something much, much worse.

I'll be completely open and honest here. I cannot take it anymore.

LEGION IS DRIVING ME UP THE WALL.

To be more specific as to what is leading to me becoming more incommodious, i'll tell you.
It's the secondary 1's that are driving me up the wall. A whole lot of them have no idea what respect is i tell you. I mean, sure i'm a nice enough guy, and i don't believe in violence or intimidation. But give me a break, the sec 1's are mad pricks who really have to learn to leave me alone. Just that day i was outside the chapel... some sec 1 intentionally used his shoe bag to whack full-force on my FACE. And he started laughing... wow. my glasses went askew and since i don't believe in violence, i just showed extreme irritation and i said, "hey, know your limits."

As if there was a joke in that statement. the sec 1 decided that it meant "oh PLEASE im begging you... hit me again" and he was readying another strike. If i didn't get out of there i would have been hit again.

I think i've said this before, but i'll say it again... i believe in earning respect, not demanding it. And i believe i have earned it, because i have been NOTHING but dedicated for years. I've done my job well, and i've reached out to sec 1s-3s. And what do i get in return? i don't even expect a simple "thank you". Just a quiet appreciation with RESPECT. but heck, who am i kidding. To them, i'm just a useless piece of bullcrap.

This week i was told off for being too pessimistic. Aside from that being part of my character to expect the worst, how am i supposed to be positive when stuff like this happens to me? Well, since the sec 3s have already started practising taking over our positions, we sec 4s have nothing much to do but debrief and give feedback. I'm not saying that the sec 3 batch is lousy---rather the contrary. But mark my words all those ungrateful for what i've done for you... Once i'm gone, you will feel the PINCH. I'll see how empty your lives will be. Ok i know im trying to make it sound like i've done alot...and i know humility is a virtue. but let's face the truth, if you're not going to be nice to me... why the hell should i spare you courtesies or formalities?
i'm just going to say it. To all those ingrates, i HAVE done alot for you, and you will suffer and suddenly feel empty when i'm gone. Am i that pathetic that you scumbags have to resort to making me your court jester? heck i'm supposed to be the one in the position of authority. many of you just see kindess as a weakness. i'd like to see you try to do that to someone in public. see what happens. u get beaten up? killed? start a riot?

I know i'm supposed to be a pillar of strength to some other people. but since some of you feel that way. fine. you can be that way. i just will stop giving. i'll see you survive then.

REMEMBER.

period.

belly clarkson!!!

2007-04-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

to mark, jared and jeremy CONGRATULATIONS!!! on being confirmed! oh and the same goes out to everyone at st teresa's church as well...

anyway right now im sitting in my sister's room (my room had an aircon leak and i bunked in at my sister's bedroom cuz shes away in the UK for studies!). even though my own air con has been repaired... lolz...well lets just say i found my sister's room more of a heaven than my own room hahaha! cooshy comfy fluffy puffy full of stuffy pillows!!! well i myself usually sleep with 5 pillows and with my sister's pillows adding to that number... u can imagine how blissful my sleep can be! hahaha!

like i said. im sitting my my sister's room and im listening to kelly clarkson songs i found my long lost cd of her breakaway album. and as u probably know... kelly clarkson usually like to belt her song out loud. and i mean LOUD. so for the past few MONTHS i've been having this nasty sickness which i havent recovered from---cold/flu/cough/sore throat. im just starting to get better after my recent meds are taking effect. and i must say im finally getting back my singing voice.

ok i know im not up to the standards of american idol (except sanjaya malaka) and i decided to start trying to sing kelly clarkson songs. and for the firsr time in months i can actually HEAR myself sound alright. PERFECT! i've been sounding either muffled/nasal/hoarse during the past few months at morning prayer. and im a step closer to trying to get into the cjc choir (if i get into cjc). yay.

speaking about american idol... THANK GOD SANJAYA GOT BOOTED!!! (God saved my ears) rejoice! i was so sick of seeing talented singers getting kicked before him; so unfair. humph! but lets not get into a frenzy of who sucks on the show...rather lets turn our attention to the BEST in the competition!

im rooting for JORDIN SPARKS!!! taht 17 yo gal who can really belt it out loud and nice! besides shes got the vote of the judges---including simon cowell. after singing broken wing by martina mcbride. and that quite an accomplishment for one so young considering...

1. most talented singers fumble during country song week

2.simon hates country music

3 its hard to get a good comment out of simon much less him telling her shes going to win

i think shes pretty much the whole idol package. i SOOO hope she wins... besides how hard can it be to beat

1.some justin timberlake lookalike

2.the seemingly nicest girl on earth---(being nice in any competition isnt going to cut it)

3a fat lump of blubber

4.a baldie who looks like a mortician

i think shes got a pretty good chance... though the fatty might be a potential competitor---but heck they've already got someone similar as the idol AKA fantasia so i dont think america would pick someone with similar voice quality as was shown from that fantasia lookalike getting booted out a few weeks back. lets hope everyone is america is shallow lolz!!!

hahah after reading my posts i realise i came down a bit harsh on the other competitors except the apple of my eye. i still think they still can sing... its just that if i'd enough money to buy on one album in the world.... it would be jordin's.

saving da world

2007-04-21T08:59:00.000-07:00

i was reflecting about things that happened during the past week. and a few things came to mind...

the first was mr sim telling me he had photos of me saving some guy during the national cross country meet. the guy had fallen down right at the beginning of the raceand he hurt his knee pretty badly though he didnt have a fracture and his elbow had an ugly graze. he didnt want to continue so i guess he was disqualified. but then again tending to an injury would be number one priority in any case though the stupid sjab tells me to not treat him unless its a life or death case. then i was thinking... "then what the hell are we there for?!?!?" obviously they think that going for these kind of events are just for collecting CIP... so ridiculous.

other than him, i saved another guy who was actually nearing the END of the race. he was a real sad case... because he was an estimated 200m away from the finishing line when he chicken-walked to a nearby buggy and collapsed there. i spotted him from afar and decided to run after him. mr bernard teo and some other guy were already trying to do something to him but i just butted in anyway. i had a bottle of water with me and i poured most of it on his head to cool off.
he was quite delirious and hysterical by then. he kept swinging his arms and flailing it about...occasionally knocking some more water out of the bottle. mr teo got more water and we got him to drink some. in the end a buggy came to pick him up and drive him to the finishing line where the first aid post was.

wow...what an end to a drama mama nightmare!

another thing that surfaced in my mind was the english orals.(i already blogged about the horrendous chinese one). it went absolutely well. i felt that i needed to do more practise on picture discussion, so i only read the passage once. in the end miss deborah goh said i discussed the picture absolutely well. but i felt i compromised my reading a bit. because i forgot which stress words to emphasize on. occasionally missing out on a few. and in the beginning i accidentally changed an "anywhere" to an "anyway" but i thought that it actually didnt really change the meaning of the sentence... and the best part---i dont think she noticed.

in the end she told me i was clear and articulate. hahaha but i think miss tracy goh's advice went a little TOO well... she told me to find at least one stress word in every sentence. and i guess i went a bit too far perhaps. miss deborah goh told me that i was exxagerating things a little too much. oh well, at least i did give a rather impressive response.

after typing this post... i realised that sji has alot of english teachers who have the surname 'goh'
1.deborah goh
2.tracy goh
3.augustine goh

quite a few in one department...maybe its a conspiracy!!! lolz just kidding...

ignorance

2007-04-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

since the pic is pretty kind of blur, the saying underneathe it says "it's amazing hor much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going"

just to share a joke.

reporter on da street:"Sir what do you think is singapore's biggest problem. ignorance or apathy???"

guy:" i don't know i don't care"

LAME but anyway... today was mildly fascinated by how much people wanted to go to get free ben and jerry's ice cream scoops. well i know that ben and jerry's ice cream is like the best in the world (especially since they care for the poor) not that its not tasty like crazy still! so then it set me wondering whether today was just a reaction of the typical singaporean.

i was thinking... its only a scoop of ice cream worth $4.50 and if you substitute in the costs of transport to and fro to get it... well it comes up to getting nothing much free anymore. and thats not even taking into consideration the queueing time. i should suspect the queue was long, cuz most probably people would be flocking to the site after seeing something labelled as being "free"

hah ok enough of talking about ice cream. today and for the most part of the rest of the year. i'd probably wont have to do much for legion meetings anymore. yes... im still an officer, but the sec 3s are doing their training before they are taking over. today i must express my feelings on legion meeting today which was run by the sec 3s for the first time.

i was deeply impressed. truly i think the future is very bright with this upcoming batch. with their strong ties and close bonds with each other i think legion can go pretty far with them in charge...although meeting could have been run smoother, hey whos to say that they didnt do a good job? it was their first time and i think that with more practise, they could be a very efficient batch of officers.

a little known fact by the juniors and a probably forgotten one by many seniors: that batch was actually made up of only 2 people, namely jeremy and samuel. but now the numbers have grown much from those 2. seriously... breaking bread for 5000 jews/4000 gentiles and have extra is really seen coming though from this live example.

so all in all... NICE WORK and keep it up!!!

screwed up cheena prelim orals

2007-04-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

I got the biggest shock of my life today.

when i walked into class today, the first 2 periods were chinese. so as usual i didnt have a clue that it was bi weekly. but suprisingly enough that wasnt the shocker.

my chinese teacher told the whole class last week that our chinese PRELIM orals were on tuesday. but when she strutted into class today, she told us that it was TODAY. we were all STUNNED.

i actually arranged for one last extra long chinese tuition lesson today in the evening to i could be prepared for tuesday. but then since it was today... i had to go through the exam 0.25 blind.

reading the passage was fairly ok though there was like 2-3 words i wasnt sure how to say. then i kept jerking cuz i was SO nervous. then like during the conversation... i was completely off point at first. then she asked me a few questions to bring me back to the correct path.

OMG its so screwed up. its completely unfair. i mean even if the orals WAS today, the best heads up was for me to KNOW that it was today. then i would have arranged my extra long tuition class yesterday instead.

what a waste. i DONT think i can pass (probably failing by a bit). well that teaches me never to totally trust what teachers say anymore.

the good thing is that i still can salvage the situation. i have many other prelim papers to sit for. the next upcoming one would be the eng oral prelims on friday.

so hopefully i can get back some marks i lost from this horrid experience. i keep asking myself what i did to deserve it... and it comes up to nothing. i dont even have a bad relationship with my chinese teacher. so i have to live with the fact that i screwed up because of her muddle-headedness.

the only plus side of today: i asked mr sim if i failed a subject for mid yrs, if the school would force me to drop. naturally i was referring to amaths, cuz i dont feel i have the confidence to take on in 2 weeks. he just said "SJI is a lasallian school. they would never force you to drop a subject but they might encourage you to drop. but then again i would not accept someone to drop subjects now"

so i was feeling slightly relieved after hearing this, though im still worried i might do badly for amaths during mid yrs anyway.

on a lighter note... i took the gregorian chanting lessons for the esthetic courses. and brother mike told us we had to preform our item after just FOUR lessons. lucky me i didnt join bangra dance. he spent the bulk of the lessons explaining to us latin stuff (which the chants are in) and the history of it all. hooking and engaging content. if u appreciate history like me. then again who cant if you're with brother mike?

and the funniest part of it all was the he took 15 mins to explain the origins of the f word. i was taken aback when he told us it was a holy word used in chants on christmas in church before the vatican 2(which i answered correctly!!!)in 1965. i used to think it orginated from the german word "farkem" or something to that effect. but after his lesson i was "enlightened" and found out that the word was latin in orgin and it passed through so many cultures like roman,barbaric tribes, angles, saxons and many other races.

on the whole today was a good day despite the nasty shock i got.

drowning

2007-04-15T05:10:00.000-07:00

recently, i've been desperately trying to cling onto whatever seems real and supportive to me.

reason being... im drowning...in so many things. i need someone to help pull me out of the hell im struggling in. problem is, so many others are in the same situation or maybe even worse.

i remember in the past, i drew a graph of my life and how good or sucky it was. back then i used to be a pretty ok guy. nothing much to worry about, nothing much to care for. now its completely different. everything seemed to change to rapidly that i couldnt change fast enough to adapt to something new

there was also another drawing activity i did in school some time back about water level. a stick figure representing you is supposed to be holding some balloons and some bricks tied to his feet and the water level is supposed to tell you how much pressure you are under. same case for the graph... i was in a safe position and from that point in time everything seemed like it could and would only change for the better. how wrong was i... now im stuck drowning. im not wallowing in self pity because i know myself that im doing everything i can to get my butt out of the bad situation... but i know now that i cannot do it alone... and that i need serious help.

suddenly evanescence's song going under is starting to apply to my life.

im tired of living a false pretence that my life is going good and all. but everytime i feel like sulking in public... i again try to hold it back in for the sake that others dont get affected by my horrible attitude which i was about to unleash. i mean i really wish i could shout out loud for a very long time. shout till my voice leaves me. and yet there are people out there who are relying on me as their tower of strength... i have no idea how im supposed to get better without venting my anger buildup on something. how would the people relying on me fare then? will they also go down under thanks to me?people are counting on me... how can i not let them down while showing my own weaknesses?

people have been telling me... just fight back the last few months. just keep the engine going. problem is... im out of fuel. im out of drive. im not even sure i can survive another few months. i know im just about a month away from a mental breakdown. seriously. i've tried every tip that my teacher's have been giving me to improve myself. im studying the hardest i can. and yet im still outshown... how can this be? im being outshown bylan gamers/porn watchers/sleepers in my class. im not even daring to compare myself to the level.

one word:FRUSTRATING

im drowning... how now brown cow?

starlight

2007-04-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

ahhh... today i shall be doing something different. i was reflecting on this song which is actually quite in depth if you actually bother to study the lyrics carefully. i koped it from ian chai on the first day of legion camp and i was listening to it... and it really started me thinking on alot of issues in life. i'm not going to tell you what issues came up in my mind. but lets put in on here... see if you can figure out for yourself something from the lyrics. im pretty sure something will pop up and strike you.

the song is STARLIGHT by muse. and as alot of you might know, a muse is a mythical creature who actually inspires people to come up with great works. as it inspired me. so i shall let it inspire you.

think abt it yah?(btw its a small part of the song which struck me)

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

for the sake of it

2007-04-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Today i shall be blogging actually just of the sake of blogging. i dont want to have to try and revive an already dead blog again.

anyway eng and cheena prelims are around the corner. next week tuesday is the day i take my nerve racking chinese prelim orals. the other day i was practising reading with my chinese teacher and she suddenly came up with an impromtu conversation question and i was pretty stunned there cuz i wasnt expecting it *just like that*. the topic was abt the scary photos on the bus stops---the anti smoking campaign. i was pretty taken aback. and i ended up having my teacher link my points altogether. was pretty patchy here and there and she said i needed lotsa practice, which is what i also plan to do this weekend. intensive revisions.

i never thought this week would end... it was just so packed up with so many things. even with sch ending early on wed and thurs... it just didnt help me with my schedule and workload at all. in fact it hindered it. i wont bother to explain because i'd end up getting angry again.

im seriously needing so rest and relaxation soon. i noe alot of my classmates are burning out fast. crashing and burning bad. well at least those who were hardworking last yr. then there are those that are completely disruptive in class and dont try at all. then theres me. trying my hardest to work my butt into cjc. i dont disrupt classes. but the worst part for ppl like me in class is that... the disruptive ppl really DO bother us. and theres nothign much we can do abt it. and its a bit frustrating when the exams come back and u see that the person whos so disruptive get the better mark than u. even though u worked ur ass off for it and that person played LAN everyday.

i mean hard work pays off in the sense that i do possibly pass something that i might have failed otherwise. but it kinda pisses u off when u think abt how the SAME ppl in class are
1. being disruptive in class
2. playing lan everyday
3.watching porn when they get home after playing lan(apparently ur more "cool" in my class if u do watch it
4.not doing homework at all---not even attempting or for that matter... READING the questions.

i seriously just feel its not fair. was it that God gave them a talent in that subject? did God give me the talent of being tolerant instead of intelligence of their level? i dunno... im still struggling to do my best by giving my all, yet im being outshown by such IDIOTS. im honestly working hard. the hardest i've ever worked b4. and its still not yielding results on par wif the others.

im kinda bummed abt all the academic stuff. especially amaths. well i asked miss lim that day if i failed mid yrs for amaths would they force me to drop it. well she didnt want to give me an answer... assuming the worst... i really dont have the confidence to pass mid yrs. and i feel its not exactly very fair to me. cuz sji's tactic is to try and kill u with the tests so that u can do better for o's. but i think im at o level standard only and not at sji's standard... so im really worried that they'll make me drop it after so long. and besides...if i went to another school, wouldnt i be the best there? wouldnt i be able to take more subjects? wouldnt i be able to take the subjects i want? wouldnt i be able to develop further talents in certain subjects?

well i asked myself the same questions in sec 3. would i really consider transferring to another sec sch. it really did seem logical. i mean i would be the best of the best in other schools. i have a real life example. i remember ben jam from 212 next door when i was sec 2. and he transferred to tampines sec or sumting like that... and he became the top boy there. lording over others in terms of academics. yet im stuck here in sji taking onli 7 subjects. which the school is trying to lead me on into thinking im not qualified to take more subs cuz i already suck at the ones i have.

alot of grievances... alot of pains of being in my class. mr ang told us recently that the first need of a human being is the be understood... and not to be loved. thats why when depressed people like talk to someone abt their problems. the person need not come up with a solution for that person. he'll already feel liberated.

so please do me a favour. read this and understand it as best as u can... i need to feel liberated

the change in colour im posting it is so contradicting the mood of the emo posts lolz...

for all those reading...

SAVE ME

introduction of myself

2007-04-07T06:12:00.000-07:00

i "koped" this from one of hansel's previous posts.take ur time to read yah.

Full Name: Melvin Keenan Jason Loh Qi Ren
Birthday: 12 January 1991
Birthplace: Singapore---i think it was alexandria hospital(if thats how u spell it)
Eye Color: uber dark brown
Hair Color: jet black
Height: 174cm
Weight: 70+kg(SO FAT!!! ARGH)
Right handed or Left handed? Right.
Your Heritage: Teochew with some Peranakan on father's side and cantonese on my mother's
My Worst Habit: Procrastinating (hmmm lolz i noticed its the same wif hansel's lolz)
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn.
Shoe Size: about 9-10
Parents Still Together? Yep indefinitely
The Footwear You Wore Today: Weinbrenner sandals and converse flats
Your Weakness:jolly shandy, some girl, i have a soft spot for ppl in worse situations than me. Your Fears: hairy spiders. being friendless (not gonna happen... i hope!!!)
Your Perfect Pizza: canadian chicken supreme
Your Most Overused Phrase On An Instant Messenger: WMWM,heheh,ok,lolz,wadeva,nvm,btw,etc,fyi,asap,
Thoughts First Waking Up: SHIT i got school 2dae!!! argh!!!
Your Best Physical Feature: i think it would be my calves i walk up a hill everyday(i live on one)
Your Bedtime: whenever i want to
Your Most Missed Memory: playing games with my dad in my old house.(when i was REALLY young)

MY FAVORITES:
Favorite color? maroon, red red red and finally black
Food? anything thats not leafy green. basically the unhealthy red meats
Sport? street soccer, and possibly canoeing!!!!!(i loved canoeing contact time in sec 1 and ace camp and OBS canoeing!!! though its for leisure im not a hardcore training canoeist type)
Animal? DOGS!!! my wonderful golden retriever.
Ice Cream? Ben and Jerry's cookie dough flavoured ice cream!!!it gives me a sugar rush
Candy? dark chocolate!!!chocolate has been proven to be an destressing thing(dun get diabetes)
Store? macdonalds and subway!!!...hmmm but if its a real STORE then i'd say any CLASSY departmental store will do
Salad Dressing? hate salad... would ppl who do haf a favourite dressing???
Actor/actress? Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson,eva longoria, leonardo dicaprio
Song? melodies of life, right back where we started from, come what may, end of the day, bohemian like you.
Letter? 2 actually. if i could change the alphabet, i'd put the "i" and the "u" closer together!
Number? 13 (same as hansel!!!)
Holiday? xmas and the end of yr breaks
Season? monsoon season. i like when it rains---heheh gloomy emo shyt!
Toothpaste Flavor? is there anything BUT mint???
Radio Station? Power 98
Perfume? more like cologne for men no? but i dun use it anyway... i used to like adidas deodourants tho.
Body part on the opposite sex? eyes, HAIR, forearms,wrists, how wide her hips are... (and tho not related.... must like to wear heels.)

FRIENDS AND LIFE:
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up? Teacher (ARGH!!! HANSEL!!! DUN TAKE MY JOB AWAY FROM ME!)
How Do You Want To Die?with my family around especially my 25 kids if God allows.
Turn ons:nice smelling hair... and must be long and flippy, and health
Turn offs: uneducated comments and being insensitive
Which One Of Your Friends Acts The Most Like You? hmmm. i'd say moses.
Who's The Loudest? GABRIEL!who else has the voice to match?
Who Makes You Laugh The Most?Hansel was right... it IS me! hahahah no la... i'd say moses as well
Who Have You Known The Longest? probably alex...he was in my pri one class.
Who's The Shyest? hansel.
When Have You Cried The Most? when i was in pri one the first MONTH of orientation i was the biggest cry baby around. couldnt adapt. hated sch.
What Is The Best Feeling In The World? being FREE from any worry.
Worst Feeling? GUILT.
Where Do You Want To Live When You Grow Up? although other countries are nice to visit for a long period of time and with the hot climate here... i'd still say singapore.
If You Could Change One Thing About You What Would It Be?its a few things. my hair being top of the list. and my mental endurance---i keep getting moody during the nights of camps
How Long Do You Think You'll Live? God's will be done.

HAVE YOU EVER:
Been In Love? i've been infatuated with this girl... im still trying to get over it cuz i know it'll probably never happen and that she likes someone else.
Been To Juvie? where the hell is that?
Mooned Someone? in my dreams
Been Rejected? yep. where to get started? psltc as a psf? lltc coordinator?
Ran Away From Home? nope
Skipped School? always for a damn good reason:sickness
Thought About Suicide? truthfully yes... sometimes i hate my life enough to think abt it. but im not worried... im way too cowardly to kill myself. my hat(if i had one)goes off to japanese kamikaze pilots.
Slept Outside? ummm yah?
Laughed So Hard You Cried? HAHAHAHA just yesterday night!!!
Cried In School? ages past in pri sch. havent cried in sec sch yet tho.btw crying isnt shameful. its just a means of destressing.
Thrown Up In School? yep a few times last yr.
Wanted To Be a Model? when i was 4/5 maybe---after i found out they earn peanuts and that they starve themselves... i decided it sucked.
Cheated On Someone? if i had someone i still wouldnt cheat on her.
Done Something Really Stupid That You Still Laugh At Today? DUH!!! not telling u what tho!
Seen A Dead Body? yes. God rest their souls
Drank Alcohol? yes.
Smoked? passively yes... but NEVER willingly. i hate smoking.
Been On Drugs? MEDICAL drugs... duh who hasnt... but other than that like ketamine, ice,cocaine, heroin...etc... NEVER and by the grace of God i don't intend to
Eaten Sushi? i onli like a few types tho... the japanese have very weird tastebuds that dont often agree with my stomach.
Been On Stage? yes and i do have stage fright mind u... but i still try to overcome my feelings...deep breaths... and prayers helped.
Gone Skinny Dipping? EW NO!!!
Shoplifted? never.
Been Drunk?yep when i was 4 yrs old... it was new yrs eve counting down... and my cousins were over. my parents drank champaigne and i drank sprite but from the same kinda glasses. so i went to play came back and downed a whole glass of champaign... tasted weird... but i couldnt care less... in the end landed up red and passed out on the huge cushion.
Been Beaten Up? bullied physically b4...in pri sch but nothing serious like being punched or kicked by a bunch of ppl.

DO YOU:
Swear? alot...especially if im in a bad mood. i have quite a good patience so if im angry and swearing... u know if i've been worn down or not.
Sing Well? well i realli hope so... cuz if i get into cjc... i might wanna try out for choir... i hope i make the cut... the gd thing is that i hear they're desperate for guys to join. whee!!! NAT u promised hor!
Shower Daily? daily times 2
Want To Go To College? is that rhetorical?
Want To Get Married? helo??!??!!? i want 25 kids... how to not get married? prostitute ah... forget it... i DONT accept sluts... onli bitches... to bitch with me when im old-the spice in life.
Believe In Yourself? im trying hard to though the world is against me
Get Motion Sickness? for a short period in time in sec 2 but no longer.
Think You Are Attractive? i HONESTLY believe that beauty is skin deep and that true beauty comes out when your character is pure and friendly.
Get Along With Your Parents? a feeble yes would be the ans to this question. the situation could do with some improvements. some have already taken place... but not enough i suppose.
Like Thunderstorms? i like rain. not thunderstorms.
Play An Instrument? i used to take guitar lessons until i realised those wifout lessons were better than me... i bang(melodiously)keys on the piano... learnt the recorder in pri sch...
Own An IPOD? no... i own a creative mp4---sen vision m. and i have my sony ericsson w850i fone which has an mp3 in it.
Pray? i try my best to. but my faith has been waning.
Go To Church? yes i go often. but in recent weeks not very regular at sunday masses cuz i feel so dead after so many tuitions...but still i go for the tues and thurs weekday masses in sch.
Sleep With Stuffed Animals? in the past yes. i STILL have my little friend whom i used to talk to b4 i slept---his name's goblin!!! (anyone coming over to my place i can introduce u)
Keep A Journal/Diary? onli for homework...not for recording personal events... unless u count this blog.
Dance In The Rain? i said i love rain. and sometimes i like walking through a light drizzle... but i DONT dance in the rain... that'll be utter madness
Sing In The Shower?heheheheheh evil grin...

THIS OR THAT:
Pepsi or Coke? Coke.
McDonald's or Burger King? BK.
Single or Group Dates? ew... i havent dated yet... but definitely single... duh...
Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla
Strawberries or Blueberries? Strawberries.
Meat or Veggies? Meat
TV or Movie? Movie
Guitar or Drums? drums
Adidas or Nike? BOTH
Chinese or Mexican? strangely... i'd have to say chinese...
Cheerios or Corn Flakes? Corn Flakes
Cake or Pie? pie
MTV or VH1? MTV
Blind or Deaf? Deaf.
Boxers or Briefs? Briefs

CAN YOU:
Do Splits? the forward ones wif legs front and back not the sides one... and thats wif my balls just resting on the ground. but i must be on a very slippery surface to do it.
Write With Both Hands?i cant even write neatly wif my right!!! lolz
Whistle? yep
Blow A Bubble? strange question... and yes
Roll Your Tongue In A Circle? yep
Cross Your Eyes? nope... not without aid anyway
Walk With Your Toes Curled? Yes.
Touch Your Tongue to Your Nose? EW NO!!! derek can do it tho
Dance? ummm im not sure... havent danced b4...onli jumped around
Eat Whatever You Want And Not Worry?HAHAHHA gone were those carefree pri sch days of ignorance.... now come the knowledge of existing carcinogens...fat gain... health

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON:
You Touched: yew tong during tuition
You Talked To On The Phone: mr ang
You Text: marcus
You Instant Messaged: julian
You Hugged: ummm yesterday night was bz hugging ppl so was a bit blur as to who was the last one to be hugged
You Yelled At: i think it was Keith... lolz... know ur limits next time yah? but all is forgiven.
You Played A Sport With: sorry dont remember... its been hard remembering such trivial matters since i started mugging for o's.

WHAT'S THE LAST:

Time You Laughed? yesterday during the Maundy thurs walk
Time You Cried? last yr... but i think im going to soon...stress at an all time high
Movie You Watched? i dont even remember.
Flavor Of Gum You Chewed? mint. gabriel's teeth whitening ones
Joke You Told? hahaha im an impromtu joke teller. all depends on the situation
Song You've Sung? right back where we started from.

RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT:

Where Are You? My room
What Can You See Out Your Window? my swimming pool
Are You Listening To Music? Corinne may xmas cd
What Are You Wearing? berms and a polo tee
What's On Your Mousepad? i dont have a mousepad... i use the touchpad

BELIEFS:Do you believe there is life on other planets? i think its possible
Do you believe in miracles? Definitely. miracles happen all the time its whether or not we consider them to be blessings or not.
Magic? cheap tricks.onli good to watch on tv. EXCEPT chris angel---i heard hes satanic.
Love at first sight? yes. cuz its happened to me maybe its infatuation but...according to the reader's digest, it said scientists discovered its chemically possible.
God? why else am i blogging on earth?
Satan? that fool.
Ghosts? i believe in souls.
Santa? i beieve in the SPIRIT of giving...santa is just its image and representative. dun expect him to drop by anytime soon though. dun look for anything materialistic.
Evolution? yes.

IN A GIRL...:
Fav Eye Color: dark colours
Fav Hair Color: slightly red(onli exception is miss _ _ _ _make a guess) or natural dark
Short or Long Hair: Long
Height: shorter than me... but must wear heels.
Weight: same as hansel... dun care abt weight... but size matters.
Best Clothing Style: i dun accept sluts. so she must be decent but not so formal all the time.

RANDOM:
What Country Would You Most Like To Visit? London and Paris
Number Of CD's I Own: i own quite a few... both mostly outdated... my sis has more
Your Good Luck Charm: i dont believe in luck. yet i find that wishing people good luck is a good gesture.
How many pillows do you sleep with? 5
Do you drink milk? i used to drink all the time. now i drink whenever there is milk in the fridge/
Person You Hate Most: hate is too strong a word. i have personality conflicts with a few ppl though.
Do you think God has a gender? if im not wrong. i believe he has elements of both make and female. thus i think hes "bisexual" in a sense. but still perfect. i hope im right abt this
Where do you think we go when we die? please let it be heaven.
How many rings until you answer the phone? i wont answer to quickly. just so as not to shock my caller.
Are you a health freak? Not really.
What is the worst weather? Hot sweltering heat and humidity at an all time high... eugh...
Did you play with Barbies as a child? i cut off one of my sister's barbie's hair b4.. lolz... was a vindictive plan for revenge. i think she might have wondered why the hair never grew back then...hmmm
How many grades have you failed? chinese by 4% chem by 2% and emaths by A BOMB tks to a certain useless teacher in sch... amaths is doing fine though in case ur wondering.

yesterday's shock

2007-04-01T03:49:00.000-07:00

hi 2dae im gonna be talking abt yesterday's post and why it shocked me exactly. i found a link from hansel's blog to some colurgenics thing. and at first i thougt... hmm i bet its that usual internet garbage. but hoho it really proved me wrong.

i was reading the colourgenics site's analogy of hansel's life and some parts of it struck me as it seemed like it was related to him. so i decided to try it out and see wad it would say for me. u start out by picking out one by one 8 different coloured cubes which u feel "most in harmony with" and just by doing that.... they tell u ALOT about ur life. and thats what happened for me.

firstly the part abt me being exhuasted cuz of all the conflict means that im kinda sick and tired of alot of school things. even cca activities... so much is expected of me, that im kinda getting jaded. right now im trying to cut down on cca activites and do the bare minimum... but everytime i try to do it, something else pops up and bothers me further. which doesnt give me time to relax and recover. with tuition for 5 subs, remedials and tonnes of homework, i've been stripped of alot of personal time.

secondly the part abt me wanting acknowledgement from ppl that matter who are influential and abt me improving my image. its really true. not because i want to be popular or anything. it just means to me that im trying my best to be a good role model for ppl to look up to and respect. and its ESPECIALLY so true when u think abt me applying for lltc...psltc...etc... when it was kinda hopeless in applying in the first place.

then theres the "compromise" part abt forgoing some pleasures. and me destressing thru physical activity. well i cant tell u how many pleasures i've had from sec 1-3 that i dun have now. because of the o' levels. and the destressing thru physical activity is pretty much on spot... cuz i've been wanting to go for mount rosy runs with friends for a while... but i havent done so cuz of so many other things on as well. then i bought this contraption abt 2 months back which is like a gripping thingy... so like i keep gripping it and it trains my forearms... dunno wad its called though. very much like a stress ball

and the part abt me getting agitated and anxious because of disappointment and allowing that to make me make reservations abt making a good impression beacuse of the likelihood of success is completely true. ever since i got rejected from psltc and lltc, i havent really moved on with my life. i've been brooding over how i didnt get picked or how other ppl got picked over me. and its true that i become helpless and distressed when circumstances are against me. because my homework load hasnt been done and everytime im planning to do it, i end up not doing it cuz im so shagged already by so many other things. failure is absolutely sickening esp when i keen tasting it. i've not had success for a long time. and the prelims and o's are a good time to come back.

its true that i see myself as a scapegoat. and that everyone in my sphere of influence has been taking undue advantage of me. honestly i feel its true, because im so sick and tired of letting people STEP on me and making fun of me. its SO irritating when people tell me that the reason why they're doing wadeva it is they're doing to me is because it's ME. good enough excuse? i think not.

they say that i feel that everyone else is to blame for my failure to achieve standing and recognition. when i read it. it sounded like a spoilt brat la. cuz it sounds a little selfish. but i waas thinking abt it and i realised that the reason why i keep blaming other people is that...everytime i make an attempt to do something. i make absolutely sure that im doing everything right on my part and that i have the talent to do wadeva im trying to apply for. so when i still dont get what i want like psltc or lltc. i blame my studies and i blame the teacher in charge of lltc for not properly giving me the chance to succeed. in truth, i was just looking for a face to put on the monster. and whether or not i pick the right face...well it depends on the reasons why i got rejected for whatever thing i apply for. and honestly i DONT know some of the reasons why others were picked instead of me... so at this point in time, im still blank on who is the monster. isit REALLY ME or someone else that i should be fighting?

it tells me that im moody and depressed though it will pass. well i truly hope it will go away, cuz right now im a wreck that needs serious repair.

it also says all my hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray . i DO feel that way mainly because i being human... have dreams for my life and how well it should be. well if i was to be open, then i'd say that i've been seeing that happen since sec 1. everything i've hoped of having and dreamed i would get. was snatched away from me by someone else. alot of lost chances and opportunities gone. and some of these failures have made me fight back even harder for other chances. still im im constantly disappointed because im always told that theres someone better than me for the job. and im SICK of it.

i remember in sec 2, i was running a race for the track meets i think cuz one of the trackers in my class who was supposed to be taking part was injured. and apparently i THINK we got into the finals or sumting or maybe the next round. and i was ASKED by my form teacher (nicely of course) to step aside for the tracker whose injury was healed. and i was kinda bummed... but i gave way in the end.

come to think of it... EVERY token of recognition i've ever received from the school was earned not through my own effort. in sec 1 i got a gold medal cuz my class was the top in pullups or napfa or sumting... and everyone had one. in sec 2, i was the reserve member on the winning team of bible quiz. and i got the prize and recognition as well even though we won not through my doing at all. and lastly in sec 3 i won bronze for the 3km run during the track meets. sounds great. but it was mainly because there were only 3 runners that turned up of the race.

and for me to be failing to plan for the future...well maybe this colourgenics DID come at the right time. because i've had so many failures, especially in studies that im slowing giving up on myself. i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to make it to cjc science stream. which means 11 points at least. its within my grasp. yet recently i've been again making reservations abt trying just in case im gonna get disappointed again.

then it tells me the final solution to my screw up,messy and horrible life---believe in myself beacuse i have the power to do it

i realise now that i DO have the power to do it and get my ass crack in cjc. all i need to do is to believe in myself. why i was holding back was because...it meant sumting to me like pride comes before a fall. because i felt that if i dared to dream and aim a little higher, and if i didnt make it... that i'd be falling a long way down than if i didnt aim for it at all and not get it. that would be so expected.

so this was a real wake up call to me. i can do this and get thru this amazingly smelly piece of shit called secondary school, and get my sorry butt onto cjc. besides... if i dont dream of going there at all... i wont even have dreams of it, and neither will it become real. and i might as well respect myself for giving it my best try. and even if i dont get there (TOUCH WOOD EVERYONE READING THIS)... i'd at least give myself the respect of trying my best to get there.

that is true sportsmanship. and i understand it now.

colourgenics

2007-03-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

OMG i jus found this on hansel's blog. and its TOTALLY TRUE. i found that its reflection applied to hansel's life so i gave it a try and i jus found the solution to my HORRIGIBLE problems and i know i JUST posted but wad the heck this is good stuff

At this time you are really feeling quite exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling that is going on about you and you are looking for some sort of protection from this state of affairs. Ideally you are seeking a peaceful condition and a tranquil environment in which you can be afforded the chance to relax and recover......

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

penitential service

2007-03-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

copy hansel's colouring in!!!

well monday night this week, i went with my mum to penitential service at SMOTA... yes ppl at smota... your eyes do not deceive u. but anyway getting on with it. my mum and i were sitting at the back of a row. and believe me, its at times like these that u really think that singapore has shortages of priests. cuz the queues were moving so SLOW!

amazing really. so we were supposed to entertain ourselves while waiting for our turns. firstly my mum was running through the whole process with me. SHE wanted to know how it was properly said. the act of contrition and all. so i confirmed with her that her version was correct. then i told her that since she needed to ask ME, it was a sign that she was a weekend catholic.

then she jokingly said to me " hey! don't u know that i can say the act of contrition in less than 3 seconds?!?!?". then we both were trying our very best to muffle our hysterical laughs amid the soft reflective song that was playing!

due to the boredom i resorted to playing with my mum's hair---uber childish but wad the heck she didnt mind. so then she asked me "trying to flip my hair?" then i said yah...she did the most unexpected thing. she told me "its done like this" and she flipped her hair for me and a most unglam way!!! lolz...i suppose its true wad ppl say abt how theres a kid in everyone. oh wellz

tuesday during meeting i was sorting out the legion qoas basket. and at the very bottom... i unearthed a very familiar looking pen. turns out it was a pen that i had in my pencil box when i was like sec 1/2... i managed to recognise is cuz it had the exact bends and curves i made on that pen cuz i had never had a pen in the exact brand or colour as that pen. a bit lamo la... remembering pens... lolz but well it proved to be useful anyway. the pen was still functioning properly and i really liked the smoothness of it. so well thats abt it and cheap skate pens la.

on a random note. i rediscovered that i liked playing/banging keys on the piano

miss foo+zinc bags

2007-03-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

sigh... another day goes by another day im drained...

well read the other posts if u wanna know why im exhausted. 2dae i was gonna tell everyone how i didnt like emaths periods, but i decided not to. so if u really wanna know why i hate emaths come up to me to ask me.

anyway, life's been pretty monotone lately. and 2dae i just discovered a very interesting fact. i forgot to take my flask of tea to sch in the morning. and as the day went by i realised that i CANNOT make it out of a rough day without my dear friend (crabtree and evelyn english breakfast tea) which i sip everyday outside the chapel (i dont spill!!!).

firstly as many of u will know, tea contains quite a bit of caffeine which keeps ppl alert. and on wednesdays i REALLY REALLY need my tea. just because of the simple fact that my periods are lined up in such a way that they aim to mentally slaughter students on weds.

firstly a nice start with physics, a cartoon (not literally) during emaths, amaths, cheena, recess, hist, eng, chem.

3 calculation periods back to back. thank God for sending me a far from boring cheena teacher. TAN PECK LENG!!! and then for hist periods which are so interesting-learning abt dead ppl.
and thank God this week was eng oral exam revision modular cycle. so the eng teachers were swapping. so we had a new face everyday for abt 2 days so far. one more day to go. fresh faces do us good... not that miss tracy goh is bad... shes damn gd. but a new voice in my head would help.

so anyway back to tea. i CANNOT survive without my tea. because i have to keep awake thru my own effort. and at the end of the day i was really shagged. and i really wanted to go home.

but as luck would have it. i couldnt because mr tang made the class feel so bad abt how slack we were abt chemistry. so i had to go... sheeze... i hate this gd boi boi thing. so after a long arduous day in sch, i had to have remedial.

and my bag wasnt helping either. because i bought a zinc bag on sunday. and on tuesday. 2 days after i bought it, it pulley system in which u can adjust the length of your sling snapped cleanly in 2. so 2dae i brought it back to the shop to change it to a metal one. thank God i didnt have to trade it in... cuz i was kinda growing attached to that bag. i bought a small one to make sure i have to pack my bag.

so with the spoilt bag. i was so tired on tuesday night i forgot to pack my bag for wed (whoops didnt do my hmwk either!). so then i had to lug that big potato sack around. and i had to bring it home. gd thing was that i had company home so i could keep my mind off the horrible bag experience. jonathan (ong) was conversing with me during the most part of my journey home. then after i alighted. i met benedict and we chatted until he dropped off 2 stops b4 me. how nice of God to send me 2 "angels" to talk to me when i was at my bored-est/ most despondent point in my life--- the bus ride home

ok i dun live in johore or sumting. but well, the company was still greatly appreciated.

oh tips for those thinking of buying zinc bags. if u want a sling bag go for those with metal parts. NOT PLASTIC. the plastic ones break easily. and if u cannot let go of a certain design because its nice (like me) get them to change as many plastic parts to metal. it'll save u alot of trouble of going back and getting a replacement.

and another tip for those taking oral exams soon... miss periasamy(i think thats how u spell it) came to my class today and told me that conversation is gossiping...(my forte). and miss tracy goh said that our class talks alot of crap everyday so we jus need to learn how to use that crap to score marks. LOLZ. but anyway good advice altogether.

tiberium!!!

2007-03-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

hi world, i was at andrew's place 2dae wif mark and him doing emaths poem project. and after that we played the demo of tiberium wars command and conquer. its due to come out next mon. and honestly i have not seen a game that gd in a long while... meaning im probably gonna try to get my hands on one... its REALLI gd... i havent practised gaming in a long while actually not since sec 1 and after that i switched to becoming a console fan but i dun play often either, onli like once in 3 weeks maybe.maybe less. so my skills were pretty noobie again. but i caught on pretty fast and i remembered lamo tactics i tried previously ages back.

oh wellz cant realli chat much nowadays... got lotsa freaking work to do, and most of it i cant complete. i think stress is starting to eat into me. cuz im not one to not do hmwk so like whenever i dont, i dun sleep well. the gd part is that i dun sleep in class either la but its still pretty draining. and i realli have no idea how my education absorption engine is gonna cope wif all the load of crap hmwk. im saturated and i still have to find space to stuff new info in. i realli need a miracle.

and speaking of miracles... i think i've been detached from morning prayer/rme/legion a little. morning prayer i go now out of habit. and legion is my commitment. and yes it is my other family, my godfather,godbrother, cousin and friends are in it. but recently i think work has gotten me a little jaded. i never thought i'd ever feel this way. yet it happened to me after all. is it ineveitable? possibly... still i haf the problem of dealing with it. honestly with meetings that go on like this week... i lose hope with every passing meeting and feel as if im just serving out my term as treasurer. it has boiled down to the mere skeleton and essentials of it all...does legion mean just a cca to me? i think not...(yet) but really, when i dun get cooperation from juniors its hard to carry on.

do i let ppl step on me so much? does it really proves that im not much of a leader then? hmm not sure abt this one... and talking abt leadership... i think i bitched enough of this to my frens so i shall jus bitch to my comp while typing it in. my application got rejected for lltc. very true there were already the team that was facilitating last yr. so it was extremely hard to get in. but what got me a little peeved was that i lost to a few friends for REASONS i dun get. well if ur one of those frens who applied in and got it instead of me... well jus to let u noe im not angry at u, im just a little angry at the system.(and REASONS for rejection)

well the thing was that i told the teacher(shall not be mentioned) that during the application that my parents were away at UK at that point in time. so he said when they came back he'd give me back the form to let them sign. but he never did. was even considered for the damn job? ok now im gonna argue my case on grounds that are extremely SHALLOW. but they are the exact ways in which the system was judged upon.

i only noe that i lost to 2 friends who are heads of their ccas and both are prefects. (ok shallow part is here) after giving some thought about it, i didnt understand why i wasnt chosen over them. because although they were prefects and heads of their ccas, i am CONSIDERED (im stating facts not boasting) a post holder of 2 ccas while being part of the class committee. yeah true im not considered head or the "face" of either cca. but... on paper shouldnt it look better in comparison to each of them?(btw friends who got in, im not trying to be arrogant... pls try to see it from my pt of view tks)

so a few days after i got an email saying i didnt get in, some person from some lasallian youth commission, or sumting like that, smsed me asking me since i didnt get into lltc would i want to go for camp la salle instead. frankly i would haf agreed without another word of grumble. but it just was not feasible. imagine this: school term ended on thurs. fri-sun im away at legion camp. then if i were to go for camp la salle, it would haf meant mon-tues. then followed by some sjab camp from wed-fri.

i was seriously comtemplating whether to go or not la. then i decided not to. because the truth was after legion camp i was supposed to go for chem tuition. then on tuesday there was a visit to the gift of love home for legion and they had already a lack of manpower to run the show.

thank God for letting my dad write in to sjab and get me out of camp on thurs night instead of friday. and then he also got me out of a first aid examination on sat. but on saturday i had cheena tuition in the morning followed by lunch in the car and then physics tuition. then right after that i went for mass at risen christ then took a train back home by which time was evening... and i was shagged.

after i returned to school. i counted the amount of time i had to finish my hmwk. including those little times of freedom here and there. i counted that i had abt 2 and a half days to finish 9 days worth of hol hmwk. and i couldnt as expected. so can u imagine if i signed up for camp la salle? i would haf had abt one day less (because i minused off half a day for legion on tues which overlapped).

it was jus impossible. so i messaged him back saying " hi im sorry i cant make it but tks for the offer" was damn painful writing it la...

another lost opportunity. just wonderful, i learnt from lltc b4 that we should always help the poor. poor in whatever sense. if they really DID consider me to have less leadership opportunities than the other applicants wouldnt they have put me in? i dun get it... unless they really thought i had more opportunities and they rejected me in favour of other applicants? i highly doubt it.

its so confusing and frustrating trying to understand this whole system of selecting. and i think i've said enough because i got carried away.

so at the end of the day i've just got one question: am i such a poor leader that i deserve this crap? i always give my blady best after all. im not even asking for appreciation, nor the least sense of gratefulness or respect from others. but just a stinking opportunity for me to SERVE the community. and even thats denied to me. wow. really. wow.

kk im getting myself pissed again. so i shall stop right here.

2007-03-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

hahaha the song i just is a song spoof of american pie and its by weird al yankovich who's singing from the perspective of obi wan kenobi. its a mildly funny sumary of star wars... pls dont ask me wad episode lolz but i think it was epsiode one if im not wrong...

anyway i've decided to stop posting on my blog in so much msn language, cuz apparently it pisses ppl off la, so i shall talk in the change MOST of my spellings lolz. oh wells heres the lyrics to that lamo song.

OH YAH... and credit goes to jeremy wong who played the song for me during the last legion chalet. but since he refused to give it to me... i had to resort to actually using my brilliant mind to get it lolz, self flattery. WHOOPS! and sori if the quality is a little bad cuz i had to shrink and convert it from dunno how many thousand kb into a 800 kb file so u can imagine how much quality is compromised... but heck the tune is audible and the lyrics are tickling so here goes!

A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the Federation in-
To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my, this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who'd win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin'...

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear
I still will teach this boy
"He was singin'...

We caught a ride back to Naboo'
Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gungans died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
While I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy
And I was singin'...

We were singin'...
-------------------------

gr8 i dunno why my nose is bleeding again... probably stress from meeting. horrible meeting 2dae.

worstpick up line!!!

2007-03-19T08:10:00.002-07:00

the worst pick up line i've ever heard : "if i could change the alphabet, i'd put the 'i' and the 'u' closer together!!!

hmwk overload

2007-03-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

well 2dae went better than expected... i didnt get screwed for all the hmwk i didnt pass up even tho i had things undone for EVERY period of the day. i calculated i onli haf 2.5 days to finish up wad was expected of me in 9 days of holiday. wow holiday indeed. but since im trying 2 clear my backlog, i cant prattle on anymore, so i'll write a short poem of an email i read earlier.

i dont think ur pretty
from the bottom of my heart
i dun want to spend my life with u
sorry that has to be a part
and if u leave me i wont cry
cuz i wont even bother to sigh

i think your BEAUTIFUL
the only one to catch my eye
i NEED to spend forever wif u
i cannot say why
and if u leave me i wont cry
i think i'd surely die

well another emo poem for those crazy nutters who are hopeless romantics
btw im NOT realli depressed over this... i think i've got more pressing issues at hand and things more upsetting

hey world!!!!

2007-03-12T09:19:00.001-07:00

hey world! sori for my more-than-a-month long absence... i noe yall miss my yabbering. so i'll start bydtching now la for ur reading pleasure. rite so to pick up where i last finished off...

i'd like to start wif remembering those departed who haf made a powerful influence on us all. i'd jus like to say that although i've onli seen u once b4 and that i've heard u on the fone once b4, u made an impact on my life. becuz now, i'll always be appreciative of wad i haf no matter how sucky it gets. so for that thank you.

2ndly i'll always remember mr ang's words abt how there are other ppl's lives who are sukier than mine. cuz initially when i was told that, completely didnt believe it cuz i was being rather selfish and stressed @ that pt in time. now i believe it cuz i've seen ppl close to heart that are suffering pretty badly and i dun need to go see starving african children to see it.

another thing is that i take 7 subs... and i haf tuition for 5 of them... its pretty stressful cuz it means that my weekends are more like classes than anything. my grades haf gone up significantly tho and for that im realli grateful for my eccentric/ COMPLETELY-outta-his-mind tution teacher. and cuz of my grades going up, i got to skip ptm for the 2nd time in sji. thank God realli. cuz the first time i got to skip was cuz my teacher was bz wif alot of other things. but my form teacher was speaking to me last thurs. and he was asking me if i had tuition. after i told him i had 5 subs tuition he asked me how i haf a life! lolz... true la i had to gif up on alot. but i suppose im fine wif that. (hey... wasnt it him hu told my parents to get m tuition the last ptm?!!?)oh wellz.

well the celebration @ mr ang's place for cheena new yr was a blast. esp how we tried to fish the ball outta the longkang... realli exciting seeing the very "innovative" ways we tried to get the ball out. in the end some uncle who had a fishing net in his bag for some reason helped us. tks uncle!!!

then came ash wednesday. my mood was already roused by cheena new yr mass and the hols+visiting and thank God ash wednesday helped to alleviate the pain of going back to sch. i haf the most grueling periods on wednesday. no wonder its the day wif the highest rate of blue forms handed out to my class. first physics, then emaths then amaths then cheena... recess then hist eng and chem. worst combi of subs in a row.

then enrichment day was a complete rubbish day. i 'd rather spend my tuesdays in sch realli. cuz going to that rubbish exxonmobile chem plant was a TOTAL waste of my time. i learnt nothing and the best part of it was that i took a nap on the bus tours.

i played pool wif hansel that sat... tho a bit rushed. and hansel u still owe me 5.30!!! was damn fun being legal (tho playing illegally would be so much more fun!). me and hansel drew for 6 games... 3/3 tho the endings were pretty anticlimax... i won once cuz he pushed in the black ball early. and he won twice cuz that happened for me. but he was pretty tyco la. hahahahah sorri if ur reading hansie:p well anyway i make a better aimer. and hansel resorts to underhand tactics by distracting me by making me gossip and bitch wif him while its my turn.

then finally we got to LEGION CAMP- an absolute blast. and for the contact work part... it had its hiccoughs la but i think it went ok. except maybe the presentation at the start. sorri guys was stage fright... nvm i tried my best la. anyway i thot jason did a gr8 job wif the pretend consolation! tks a bunch for that impromtu consolation i felt it was realli gr8... realli tks(except for the hand holding part wad was that abt man!point to the "sky"buying time rite...) and tks aso to mr ang who did another impromtu case of contact work. and hansel im SO sorri for sidelining u for contact work. it was a rushed piece of work... and i jus had to trim the edges which were pretty jagged. and i guess after cutting it up it wasnt such a nice piece of paper anyway. SORRY

then at the debriefing... OMG... i think i totally made contact work something not gd... cuz like after the other seniors gave their opinions on their cases, the sec1s were falling asleep. cuz it was pretty late. and then it was my turn so i did the homosexual case. and i DID wake the sec 1s up. but im not sure if the sec 1s took contact work seriously or not. i hope i didnt turn it into a joke.
cuz after the correct parts which they were supposed to tell me---turn to God, try to like girls/find a hobby, i told them the bad pts. and they were BAD. well i suppose not for a sec 1 la being inexperienced and all. my case was a gay who had AIDS. and some told me very unhepful things like
---"why dun u wear condoms?so u still can haf sex wif guys"
---"i noe! u can watch heterosexual pornography!!!"
---"aiyoh...u got aids arh...then die lor"
---"hey u noe instead of having gay sex, why not masturbate instead?"
---"why dun u find a regular sex partner, so onli 2 of u will haf aids?"
---"haiyo. since u haf aids... i think i u got no more meaning in life la. so no need to live anymore jus commit suicide la"

wow very catholic words from sec 1s indeed... well i hope they do get better. for their sake... saving souls is not an ez and ignorable business. the idea was for them to console me abt aids and get me to stop gay sex and turn to God. onli one grp got all 3 ans right. some got 2 ans right. and most got it totally wrong. oh wellz.more training needed!!!

another boring frick day

2007-02-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

hi ppl. i noe i havent been posting for quite a while. sori la a bit cot up wif work... anyway heres an update of how my life has gotten from horrigible to terrigible to vegetable.

the horrible part is that workload has started to pile up while commontests are jus around the corner. and thats not all, stress has realli gotten to me and trust me blogging this is realli to help me destress. since i haf no one else appropraite to tok 2 abt these rubbishes @ this pt in time... i shall jus post it here so its free for all reading. well i refer u 2 hansel's blog la. his most recent post is abt ppl quitting and i think im one of them.

someone should realli create a moping club where ppl can be gloomy together. seriously the world would be a better place. well anyway its official the gal i like (PLS no one mention it...)is attached...well the gd part is that i didnt even go and try to get together wif her la. oh well at lesat i jus liked her... its quite sad actually, i jus heard 2dae that another guy aso got played by her or sumting. well i suppose it must haf been worse off for him...he actually was in a relationship wif her. oh wellz. outta 3 ppl one wins. for now anyway(thats the evil me toking)

on a lighter note, i was convinced by hansel to apply for the lltc facil job. hmm well everyone around me encouraged me to apply if i could cope, cuz it would be the last opportunity for a camp in sji. but i was initially hesitant la... cuz of previous experiences wif the psf application which i didnt get. hmm well i knew i wouldnt get it, it was jus that when i applied i suppose i was hoping for the best.
its jus that after i was rejected i jus lost all trust in hope. and i stopped believing that hope can work miracles.

well its not as if i've been accepted yet. im jus hoping that my hope isnt like the hope of those ppl on american idol auditions where they train from young and get blasted by a panel of judges... but im not sure if i'll get in. and what happens if i dont? i think as much as i would like to still believing in hope, maybe it'll not be as easy as saying it.

sexyback!

2007-01-16T03:38:00.000-08:00

O.M.G yesterday glen jus passed me some PCD song and its uber bydtchy lolz. he aso passed me SEXYBACK!!! omg.. its uber nice. i actually went to look up the lyrics... and its a little... suggestive... but wad the hell. who listens to wad hes realli saying anyway? well its official for me then, sexyback is the nicest song of the yr so far tho it came out last yr.

did anyone see so u can think u can dance the last episode? it was absolutely fantastic. except for those contemporary dances. its so... EARTHY... its almost as if they're having fits while trying to plant seeds into the ground. well sexyback aso featured in one of the songs. was realli a show stealer. so captivating. actually based on the last episode ONLI i thot travis deserved to win la. but benji's legs are like water la so i guess thats one of the major reasons why he won.

im realli impressed by benji tho. not so much of the dancing skills. but it was featured after he won in a video clip that @ one pt in time during the competition he almost got kicked off and barely scraped thru...and finally emerging as america's fav dancer is... a very very big thing. well its somewhat inspiring lah... i mean... i could do wif some motivation to bounce back from failures sometimes. well...reather all the time.

and its not onli him apparently. the black girl who wasnt heidi was aso such an inspiration. well i personally thot she wasnt that gr8 of a dancer mainly cuz she danced contemporary. but she was quite big sized and that didnt stop her from doing her best. that and the fact that she quit dancing a yr b4 the competition and decided to finally gif it one last try as a bid to carry on wif her passion/self expression... its pretty amazing. even after she lost, she said she never was going to stop dancing.

well i suppose thats essentially why reality tv is such a hit. it involves real ppl. and it gifs ppl a chance to break outta the cycle of monotony. esp if it presented u wif the opportunity to achieve ur dreams etc. sigh... why am i writing an esposition on this? man...wadeva la

summary:reality tv rawks!

my birfday!

2007-01-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

heyo! well 2dae's my bdae and im pretty happy the way things turned out for my "sweet" 16th bday. well anyway b4 i carry on in case ur wondering wad happened 2 the poems... well lets jus say i'll write it another time SOON but right now im WAY too tired.

well i was pretty tired 2dae cuz it was raining in the morning and there was a traffic jam and i barely made it in time for morning prayer. meaning there wasnt any time to sip my nice cup of hot tea from my flask(its realli effective if u REALLI need to keep awake during the week). so u can imagine wad happened during the day... i had an amaths test first which didnt go so bad as i expected. following that was emaths, i find myself keeping myself awake jus cuz the teacher's such a sweet old lady... its hard to snub her gd intentions...

after that was TANG...three words-O MY GOD. please "take all souls to heaven esp those most in need of thy mercy". im not saying hes a bad teacher. i jus think hes not suited for my class and that we need serious divine intervention for us to learn anything in chem class.no blasphemy here critics-move on to another blog, sorrie to disappoint u.

well the rest of the day wasnt SO bad... it was jus moving at a slow pace. gd thing abt the day was that it was raining. and when it rains it means students can jus haf a nice little conversation in class wifout being heard- cuz the noise of the rain covers it up.convenient.hmm i guess i jus realised why i love rain lolz. aside from the fact im goth inclined and pessimistic.

well the worst thing abt fridays is that its almost the weekend---so close yet so far, haf to go training. its not an all-bad thing. its jus the last hurdle b4 getting to the long and somewhat relaxing and less taxing weekend.

went to cafe cartel for my b'day dinner. service was kinda slow. TK GOD we ordered sets so we had free flow of bread and butter... if not my dad would haf walked outta that place LONG ago.well i ate my st louis pork ribs set wif drink and soup. then my maid couldnt finish her pasta so i ate it up...lolz... and when we came back we had cake... i realli dunno where i put it all...

well i guess a can be emo

2007-01-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

hey world well heres a poem for you guys. this time im gonna be trying to display my true poetic skills. alright so when i say that i'll TRY to rhyme the stuff. but i warn u its gonna be a bit emo. cuz i've jus been reminded wad i've been missing out on recently.sigh... i title this emo piece...love not found yet already lost

shes a witch
she brews love potions
she weaves webs of entrapment
im dying of the intoxication

alas u were with someone else
if only i met u first
in my heart its such a disappointing waste
i always thought none but u could satisfy my thirst

you went for someone
with everything i didn't
i never actually went after you
i'd always thought you were such a beautiful incident

again regret still strikes me
why of all people u were occupied?
with someone else on your mind
with unexisting tears i cried

your're the first love i've ever had
no one else would haf fitted into that shining picture
with only me and you together
i'll think twice before giving into another allure

sadly singing my heart carries on
the tunes drift over worlds and beyond
i'll never forget u were the only one
who befit the melodies of life song

can't say i won't think of you again
its hard to forget the longing pain
im all alone standing in the rain
the thought of you drives me insane

wow ok thats one real deep poem... hmm didnt noe i had it in me lolz... oh well too bad... shes taken... moving on...eh relac ah ppl dun come giving me ur condolences ahh... it was jus for FUN. LITERATURE. tho it IS based on a lady fren.

highly anticipated!

2007-01-03T04:10:00.000-08:00

hi guys! im back! well for now anyway cant blog so often now that sch's started again. well anyway im here to write that long and highly anticipated poem which yall haf been dying to read. sori if yall think its a flop cuz certain details might haf slipped my mind. it WAS quite some time ago. well anyway its gonna mainly consist of 3 parts for 3 events. i'll write it as a story starting in chronological order.so here goes enjoy!

i had my legion party on the 17th december
so long ago was it i could hardly remember
it was supposed to be a bbq
and we went thru wif it at hillview ave! (thats my place)

ppl brought their knick knacks
some of their bags were as big as sacks! (namely hansel)
alot of them were staying over that nite
celebrating the prospect of christmas being bright

most of us didnt sleep at all
staying up all night to play halo and watching ppl fall (to their deaths! marcus!!!)
my maid was so impressed we managed to finish up all the food
she obviously hadnt met hansel and julian-those toots

in the morning we went for a swim
was cold as ice, it made the air seem thin (i haf no idea wad im describing here)
we went in the sauna
so hot we were almost goners!

so moving on to sam's party at her place
i was happy to see many a joyful face
her haus was so nice it had a christmasy mood
i esp loved the food! (the cheesy stuff was heavenly!)

i got my nails painted black for fun
when the girls got their presents they were screaming-in a gd way, i love the sun!!!(RANDOM!!!)
we played halo for so long it should be considered a crime
we set it at 50 kills and we played till all teams had 49!

i dealt the finishing blow
but i cock eye le, felt very slow!
i got so many gifts that day
when i went home i was feeling gay (the happy kind)

on the train home no one would sit wif me
cuz of my black nails they treated me like pee! (LAME-ified!!!)
being emo had its pros
had lots of leg room-thank God i let my fingernails grow

well sch jus begun
its my last yr in sji-seems sad cuz there wont be much fun
i managed to pass into sec 4
but the last FYEs were a gd wake up call

im gonna try to do my best
and let God take care of the rest
mugging from the start of the yr
and not letting laziness'ugly head rear!

well the event to kick start anew
was pretty disgusting- it deserves an "EW!" (BULL CRAPPING)
i played soccer wif slippers (cuz i wasnt planning to play)
hansel kicked a ball at my toes, crappers...

my nail folded in and sliced my skin
it got stuck there like a fish fin! (DUN ASK ME WAD I MEAN I WONT NOE)
i limped all the way back to mr ang's haus
i used tweesers to ply the nail off-i hate mickey mouse! (actually i dun... i jus got nuthing to say!)

well enuf of that gross stuff
this yr is gonna be devoid of fluff
im hoping all sec 4s will make it thru
we'll hang on together and get gr8 grades too!

so thats abt it im gonna finish this
im probably gonna be damn edgy this yr, so me u dun piss!
sori its such a dry rhyme
my brains haf been rotting since the beginning of time!

hope u've enjoyed...took me abt 30 mins to write the whole thing. i feel like i can sing. well ok enuf rhyming for now. i gtg do some work le so anyway. heres another chapter in my oh-so-whacky life! (can u imagine wad my phuture sons will think when they read this?!?!?!)

nuthing to tok abt

2006-12-21T08:09:00.000-08:00

eh o!!! well i noe its been quite a long time since i blogged... but i've been kinda bz and i still am. so sorri if got no entertaining poems for yall recently. christmas has been keeping me bz. i think christmas sometimes is kinda stressful. stress we definitely dun need esp wif sch around the corner. wel actually i've found it easier to go by wifout thinking of sch coming up. and esp wif the o's around next yr i think i'll be working my arse off soon. so i've decided to jus enjoy the moment for now.

well i've been feeling christmasy this yr. and i'll be making a poem abt the christmas gathering soon. so watch out for it!

a collection of thots

2006-12-14T23:41:00.000-08:00

hi ppl! i've decided to come back from a short blog break and start gracing the world wif the existence of my poems again! so whoopie doo here goes again! but prob is i might not haf much to blog abt these few days lolz

yesterday was thursday
and eugene asked me out for a study group
a bit crazy but i went anyway
eugene came late as usual while i was feeling a little pooped(while w8ing he was an hr late!!!)

he actually was a bit sick
cough cold and quite a hot fever
as i observe my watch tick
eugene became sicker and sicker

he asked me to help him buy a hot apple pie (we were at macs)
cuz he felt cold like mad
i didnt want to make him sigh
so i bought 2 and he felt better... jus a tad

then we decided we couldnt study anymore
so he took me to toa payoh stadium
cuz i wanted to lose some weight...shed to the core
then rain came like crazy i onli ran 4 rounds... i love museums!!! (LAME!!!)

i kept running in the rain
cuz i thot it might stop
but it kept getting bigger...wad a pain
my exercise day had become such a flop

so i dried off
and we ran across the road to the entertainment centre's mac
we bought hot tea---decaf
and the 2 of us sat there till he needed to leave, and crapped

so ends another lame story
i look forward to writing again
too bad it didnt end gorey
it was onli jus too lame!

well thats that for now
i hope u liked my poem
i noe gabriel woon loves cows (LAME SQUARED!!!)
the court of king caracticus has a harem!(LAME CUBED!!!)

wad i did on monday

2006-12-13T01:32:00.000-08:00

well ppl since someone has demanded a poem again. here goes... its abt wad i did on monday

my mum took leave on monday
and she wanted to take me and my sister shopping
among all the things i had i bought corinne may! (christmas album)
i didnt come back wif anything lacking

i went to robinsons and bought myself a shirt
and a cool pair of boardshorts to match
i noticed now that my laptop keyboard has a bit of dirt(no relevance)
haf u eva noticed how hard the price labelling is so hard to tear off?the one thats attached?

then i got tempted
and i gave into my craving
i walked into famous amos being baited
by its aromatic scent drifting

my mum bought around 300g of it
2 bags full of chocolate heaven
then we looked for a place to sit(actually we didnt im jus making it up)
dont cookies look like hard bread unleavened? (LAME ALERT!!!)

i kept getting bored
cuz shopping isnt realli my thing
so i sat at every shoe section and saw high heels galore
i felt like vomitting as if i jus got off a swing (actually i love swings!!!)

then my sister had to go for some conference
so me and my mum went to the pacific coffee company
their sofas there were so cushy and full of coffee smell essence!
we were so glad we found this shop cuz for a comfy place ,we searched every nook and cranny

so after we picked my sister up
we headed home in the car
and when i played corinne may my sister thot she sucked worse than my coffee cup! (doesnt make sense hu cares)
and she thot her singing voice was more than on par(wif corinne which is totally UNTRUE!!!)

fate...

2006-12-11T04:47:00.001-08:00

well sorri ppl 2dae too pooped to write poems... but anyway i've got news and it aint all that gr8. i got a letter back from sch saying i flunked the amaths retest. well its mostly cuz i was at camp 3 days beforehand... pretty tired and all. so anyway i flunked it. but they said i CAN do amaths under 2 conditions.

1.i get a certain passing grade for amaths
2. i pass ALL other subs...

well not all hope is lost i suppose...
but its gonna be a hell of an ass-work-off-er for me
sec 3 amaths was bad enuf... dunno how i can cope wif sec 4 amaths esp wif my sis going off to uk...wonderful. well anyway i've got a few kind offers from frens to teach me along the way...but i think im gonna get amaths tuition aso. jus to see how things go la. hopefully i can keep the sub. yet i hope i can drop it at the same time.

zi xiang mao dun
bu zhi suo cuo---not sure if im using the right phrase.
well so much for passing chinese next yr...well i did pass this yr. so hope lingers...

i think its the first time im putting hope into sumting. im sure ppl can vouch for how cynical and pessimistic i am. jus gr8... mr ang's right abt the self fulfilling prophecies of doom...

my 3rd lame poem!!!

2006-12-10T04:14:00.000-08:00

YO PIMP! (esp going out to marcus ERIC tan!) well heres another poem for u tooty fruity ppl hu want to kay po into my life. most of it will be abt chalet lar.

we started chalet on tuesday
i had so many things to carry to my dismay
so i took a cab all the way to aloha changi
den i w8 there till i became a bit cranky!

then after they came and settled down
we went over to changi town! (actually its village... but it jus doesnt rhyme)
we gorged on dinner
we gluttons haf become sinners

tuesday was over JUS LIKE THAT! (jeremy think of the bydtch snaps)
wednesday started and we had a blast
i had arranged for soccer right after lunch
and i was the onli one who packed a punch (damn... not supposed to use hands)

thrusday was such an interesting day
we went to the beach and we were supposed to play
volleyball but we made dams wif the water instead
my butt became a damn itself oh gr8...

friday was more free and easy
we went to the bowling alley to make things rolley (crappy rhyming)
but stewpid tournament took up so much space
onli 6 of us managed to haf a quick race

we had to rush off for mass
all of us ran on green grass (LAME!!!)
then at dinner we met eugene
i got lost wif a few others as we took the bus from the wrong side...life is mean

eventually we got back and we started to play again
poker bridge speed movies and xbox brought us much pain
as we stayed up for the 2nd night consecutively
cuz it would be the last nite we were staying there literally(i cant find anything to rhyme!)

on saturday after we left it
we went to marcus' hansel's and joseph's confi at holy spirit
after eating at the prata shop
we went to joel's place to play cards at the top (his room is on top...)

joel's dad sent me to khatib mrt
from there i got to west mall to take a bus back home (weeee)
but i heard my sister was gonna watch a late movie there
so i decided to hitch a ride home after the romance movie there...

the end

my 2nd poem

2006-12-04T08:29:00.000-08:00

eh o ppl! since i like poetry writing so much... heres another poem describing my day 2 u!

2dae i woke up on the wrong side of the bed
i had a neck cramp and my shoulder almost break (singlish!!!)
den summore so blardy earli
want to sleep mroe aso cannot... got another appointment already

i had to take my cousin to the park
wow im as happy as a lark (realli...)
had to teach him how to cycle
in the end shop closed so cannot rent bicycle (lame rhyming)

den we brought him home for a swim instead
after my swim i felt that i was almost dead
felt so tired after spashing around
i wanted to be wheelchair bound!

i took a nap which lasted until 9 o clock
then i realised i didnt put on a sock (WTH!!!sorrie lack of rhyming skills)
i woke up hungry and starving
and hansel, for my schedule, was bugging (yoda speech)

rite now so late le
feeling kinda duh
tml got legion chalet
i cant w8 to play (soccer)

i've got a santa cluase bag of food rations
feeding an army deserves a "congratulations!"
then jason asked me to extend soccer time
since hes got the same name... i'll make an exception.(i cant rhyme!)

im gonna end off here wif an uber emo face
gonna be dreaming of ba pos and the amazing race!(asia version!!!)
hope the satanic barney not still hanging there
will onli crush hope and bring despair (no idea wad im saying jus making it emo!!!)

quiz

2006-12-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

You Are 10% Left Brained, 90% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

so much for maths... but i do like dogs...and my reasoning isnt that bad either...

first try at poetry writing

2006-12-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

hi ppl of the world im going to be lame 2dae and do some poetry writing. well i've been blogsurfing lately and it seems a couple of my frens haf expressed their feelings for the day into poems. and im jus gonna see how well that turns out for me. lolz. well im gonna sum up my life in a few stanzas inspired by a few significant events or fresh events in my life. well here goes the pahtetic attempt.

hi my name is melvin keenan jason loh qi ren
my hair is screwed up like its jus gone for a perm
my favourite things i like to do
are sitting at home and rotting like poo

i realli enjoy watching tv
esp when its the channel showing the nanny
apparently i dun write gd poems cuz i dun take lit
so im jus gonna think of more to write in a little bit

i love legion it is a big part of my life
i've put in alot of blood tears and went thru strife
tho none of it is true
im jus saying it cuz i want to!

i love sch and sji (isnt it the same?!?!?!?)
it makes me feel like i can fly
but when the tests and homework come
i say hi to the ground cuz im gonna drop down!

recently was confirmation
i took the humble name of jason (yah rite...lolz)
edwin became my goddaddy
the 2 pink ties on that day were so flashy!

then at dinner i ate a mountain
and we found out that hansel was my cousin!
now as i sit here wondering what rhymes wif hansel
it finally came to me.. it was gretel

since then i've onli been co planning chalet
tho i must say... the work has been on a constant delay
im frickin bored and tired rite now
so im jus gonna end off... oh wow...

lets see wad to blog abt...

2006-12-01T06:42:00.000-08:00

well 2dae was quite a drag. i thot we had a cyf meeting 2dae... but in the end it was postponed or sumting. well i realli didnt think i'd be joining a youth grp but moses actaully managed to convince me to join one. well at least temporarily. im going to crash a few meetings and see wad its like. i heard their next big thing for them is carolling. for who im not sure at all but im jus going to find out i suppose.

well aside from that i've been planning legion chalet a bit and so far things seem tobe going smoothly... tho i must say i disagree wif how the chalet is going to be run.(sorrie. i jus realli needed to say that) i was overruled during the voting process. well actually it was 5 to 3 at first then marcus had to switch sides then gabriel and i lost. wonderful. well im hoping the camp will go well even tho i will feel so triumphant if this system doesnt work. heh.

and when it fails (i noe it will) i'll be SO happy to run things MY way. first time i agree wif julian and mr ang abt how the "MY" sounds possessive. oh well too bad. well at least i managed to get the timetable part. so it shouldnt be so regimental... like last time.

lame get to noe ur frens survey

2006-11-27T06:11:00.000-08:00

Instructions: name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head.dont read the questions below before you write and tag 5 people to do the survey.

1. fish
2.jason
3.julian
4.samantha
5.nathalie
6.marcus
7.gabriel
8.hansel
9.eugene
10.mr ang
11.ian chai
12.glen
13.akira
14.theodore
15.daniel
16.peter
17.mark goh
18.marc lim
19.alex poon
20.sean lui

How did you meet 14?
theodore.i was his psl at orientation camp!!!

What do you do if you never ever meet 1?
fish. hmm i'd probably haf eaten a bird instead.

What would you do if 20 and 9 dated?
eugene and sean. ew i dun even wanna imagine it.but ones too tall and ones too short anyway.

Did you ever like 19?
alex. erm yah... i suppose frens since pri 1

Would 6 and 1 make a good couple?
marcus and fish. hey they haf the same names!wow it means sumting...marcusxmarcus=marcus squared

Describe 3.
julian.very str8forward. sometimes cynical and sarcastic.

Do you think 8 is attractive?
hansel. HAHAHA my cousin... hansel if ur reading this post think abt that dream

Say smt abt 7.
gabriel woon.bouncy and friendly to everyone. the best fren who can sit on u and squash u like a grape.

Do you know any of 12's family members?
glen. well i've seen glen's dad's pic on frenster and his 2nd sister... i think hes got one mroe older. and his baby nephew... real cute stuff

What's 18's favourite?
marc lim. oh this is ez... all his anime, dota, computer games.

What would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you?
ian chai. HAHAHA if we were the last 2 men living and no women around i dun think he'd turn gay.

What language does 15 speak?
daniel. english and if im not wrong daniel doesnt do chinese. but he doesnt do any other language sub.

Who is 9 going out with?
eugene. sheryl.

How old is 16 now?
peter. probably 13. if not 12.

When was the last time you talked to 13?
akira. a few days back he kept telling me to download some lame game and he was asking me abt wad time legion meeting was and all.

Who's 2's favourite band/singer?
jason. mmm not sure. if i make a guess would probably be keane

Would you date 4?
samantha. well thank God its a girl. but nah... i dun think shes my type.

Would you date 7?
gabriel woon. definitely not. gr8 personality but helo? got a bit of gender issue much?

Is 15 single?
daniel. should think so... hes a sec 1 after all.

What's 10's last name?
mr. ang.

Would you ever be in a serious relationship with 14?
theodore. well im his devoted psl. and his gd legion fren. thats abt it.

What school does 3 go to?
julian. sji?

Tag 5 people to do this survey.
1. someone
2. anyone
3. please
4. do
5. this

cosmetic producks

2006-11-27T05:53:00.000-08:00

well tml is tuesday and theres gonna be meeting usual and we're gonna plan ze legion chalet tml.wow. we're starting SO early... but i suppose it cant be helped la. well lets see tml i haf to remember to bring a bit of my acne solution(i dun haf acne btw) and a bit of the facial oil extractor which i use like every once in 1-2 months. and im lending them to eugene who apparently needs it much more than me.

see la teenage narcississts like eugene keep touching their faces and b4 u noe it. poof! his whole face is red. well i think im swapping those wif haircare producks lolz cuz my hair is reahehehehealli screwed up even after i shaved almost bald twice. well let hope we 2 vain poks will end up looking alright after the swap... i hope there isnt gonna be some allergic reaction lolz... if not eugene will look like a balloon and its all gonna be my fault. hmm actually not a bad idea since no one can get a girl near eugene.

mmm lets see... i was having dinner wif the usual gang on saturday and we ate at mos.

(food for thot) if mos burger wants to serve fresh food to ppl rite they onli make it when we order it. but problem is fast food restaurants were invented so ppl could get their food quickly wifout having to cook it themselves. so how can mos pose as a FAST food restaurant? they should be more like FRESH food restaurant...u realise u onli get ur drinks at the counter and maybe soup? u never get ur burgers or fries immediately.

and btw mos fries absolutely sarks. its all powdery inside and the quantity is so low and its meal is more expensive than mcdonalds which has much better quality and quantity

well anyway im addicted to les miserables a musical which is so emotionally moving wif jus the music itself u jus haf to read the summary and listen to wads goin on. u can imagine the story urself and u dun need actors to act it out... to bad i was onli like pri 2 when they came to s'pore. if not it would haf been nice to see the play.

walking on and on

2006-11-24T05:46:00.000-08:00

well yesterday i was way too pooped to blog. i was supposed to go for gabriel's bbq at st iggys la... problem was that i took a bus there and i didnt haf my fone wif me. i walked for over 2 STINKING hours.

in the end i landed up in serene centre where i managed to find a coin fone. well u noe there are 3 types of public fones. the coin fone, the phonecard fone, and the chipfonecard fone. so i onli had a chip fonecard in my wallet. its the chip version fonecard is supposed to be the more modern version. problem is... I WAS IN QUEENSWAY he oldest neighbourhood in s'pore... gr8 technology realli hasnt been put into place there yet. frikin irritating.

so then i called gabriel at serene centre then i called home again to get directions. I GOT LOST AGAIN. blardy hell i was so friggin pissed off man... i dunno how i walked but from serene centre i landed up in blessed sacrament. and becuz that church didnt haf a fone either, i had to walk further up even more to find a stinking fone.

so then i called home and i told them it was too late for me to go to the bbq then my dad came and picked me up from church then he brought me over to st iggys. in the end i decided to stay for wad was left of the bbq and play a few games. yeah i kinda liked taboo real nice game.

wow. realli... wow. (on the plus side, i lost 1.5 kg)

wow im so honoured

2006-11-22T23:01:00.000-08:00

jus wonderful. i feel so flattered that someone thinks so highly of me. tks nat! nice posts. my fellow bak chor mee fren. besides the fact that bak chor mee is so blady gd tasting... i haf absolutely no idea why ppl of our generation are falling madly in love wif that cheap but scrumptiously delicious and tantalising thing. i mean be it mee pok bak hor mee mai hiam, or mee pok gan bak chor mee bu yao dou ya, or other bak chor mee styles, bak chor mee is manna sent down from heaven. realli.

so anyway im gonna be growing fatter again...l8r im going over to st ignatius church for some bbq thingy. gabriel's invite. to be perfectly honest i haf no idea wad im doing there but well the idea of me being free and a bbq somewhere go together hand-in-hand quite well. well i realli do need to work off the fat b4 next yr if not im DEFINITELY gonna be in taf club. well jus a passing thot b4 i go... most ppl will haf noticed this already. but haf u noticed that if u flip the TAF in TAF club... u get FAT. kinda degrading for ppl in it. some ppl dun realli haf much choice. after all not all ppl in TAF club are gluttons. well being fat guy myself, im pretty ok wif stuff like pull ups i mean i can do 10 while some other skinnier ppl cna do less. so i dun see why fat ppl haf to be discriminated against. cuz some fat ppl can do gr8ter things physically than u can imagine. so next time when u see a fat person. think twice b4 u tease him. unless of course hes CHIA KIA BOON. who is 3 persons in one.peace out. chia, kia and boon i hope u 3 arent reading this message cuz i dun wan u 2 sit on me hor.

life wifout a fone...

2006-11-22T06:17:00.000-08:00

life wifout a fone is a sad one. a very VERY sad one. and b4 i start sounding like a narrator of a very sad life story, im gonna try my best to spice it up. well lemme see...i haf no idea why im gonna post this on a blog but lemme jus say that recently i've been feeling very "lonely" ew gross im starting to sound emo and an 89 yr old spinster hu lives wif 15 cats in a one room apartment, but anyway its the truth. i suppose its all part of the emotional rollercoaster of puberty.

but heck im 15 and i dun haf a gf and on somedays im thinking to myself that im better off wifout one. somedays i tell myself that i need one and it will benefit 2 ppl her and me. and on somedays i jus feel like BGRs are jus for kicks. but 2dae, its the 2nd option. i actually feel lonely becuz i dun haf a gf.wow.realli. well the funny thing abt this problem is that whenever i find a possible solution(a girl) shes taken. and i dun mean ladies like scarlett johansson and jessica alba. im realli no despot toot. i wont settle for anyone. but guess wad jus becuz im not going for a vietnamese wife like minh's padi gf, im stuck being alone.

when i was in pri 6 and choosing a sec sch, i was told to find an all guys sch if possible. and it was jus that sji so happened to be an all guys sch and it was affiliated.gr8. not taht i dun like it. its jus that i was told that it'll help wif keeping out distractions. and i honestly didnt noe wad distractions there were. until now when i noe wad im missing out on.great im sounding like an emo pharc. someone pls shoot me.tks.

p.s shoot the head cuz then my brains will be mash potatoes b4 i can actually feel the pain.so ppl if ur thinking abt committing suicide. my suggestion is a fast quick death in the head.but pls call child help services b4 u do it

i lost my fone

2006-11-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

2dae was jus gr8...except maybe for the part where my handfone got lost. totally frustrating cuz i had a few impt messages during the movie and i didnt get to read them. the most annoying thing abt this whole situation is that my opinion of my average fellow singaporean has gone down.

yes it WAS my fault taht i wasnt careful and i lost it, but im quite disgusted abt the whole thing. when i made the report to the cinema ppl they tell me tey haf another show going on in the same theatre so they cant seach the place. fair enuf. my frens called my fone so it must haf been ringing in the theatre and it must haf been turned off by someone. understandable. what is so disgusting is that those ppl who turned it off... didnt turn it on again.

so now im stuck being popular and wifout a fone lolz... but yeah even a regular guy grows dependant on these kinda things esp when the thots of ppl needing u urgently creep into ur mind and ur not there for them. a bit sickening. well the truth is i've been thinking of getting a new fone as of late. but i never expected to haf this series of events to be a catalyst. my mum's gonna cancel the fone thingy wif the company. i seriously need ways to contact ppl man... even on msn isnt adequate enuf. SHYT MAN!!! its the first time i've EVER lost my fone. and its so pissing! its been the 3rd fone in my life so far. but the gd thing is that it lasted me over a yr maybe even 2 years. so yeah im pretty bummed but i'll get over it. wad irks me now is that i haf to get my contact list all together from scratch...

hansel's my cuzzin?!?!?!?!?!

2006-11-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

yesterday was the most shocking day of my life so far!!! ok lets start out from the beginning... was my confi day.... and i realli couldnt w8...so i left the haus earli and made my own way to toa payoh to maybe greet the early birds of the legion at the mrt station... and i did... after that i went to change in chruch to prep for the thing itself...and...confi turned out to be gr8... it was such a gr8 realisation that the most powerful force in the universe has been awakened in me...realli wow. so anyway i brought a whole army of ppl for confi after party dinner... and woah... the numbers were almost ridiculous...

so then my relatives were eating wif me as well.. like my grandparents my auntie and my cuzzins....so then i was eating wif hansel when he asked me if i knew my grandmother... so i said yah... then he said he thot it was his mother's auntie... meaning his grandauntie...and then i asked my grandmother if she knew hansel's mum (gave her hansel's mum's name)AND SHE DID.... meaning....... HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG..... hansel chew... my cuzzin for 3 years... and i had NO idea.... yay i actually haf relatives....and i still think hansel's brother simeon looks like joshua!!!! OMG.... SO QIAO....... so its official hansel is my cuzzin.........and... it makes me wonder... the week b4 confi... hansel and i went to visit his grandfather and his grandparents on either side of his family.... meaning....i could haf been praying to one of my grandaunties/uncles...OMG...wow...wow and wow ok i noe im publishing this pic again lolz... but it so suits this discovery!!!!HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN HANSEL IS MY CUZZIN

dream dream dream...

2006-11-17T02:29:00.000-08:00

2 nites ago i had a real interesting dream...one of the most funny i've had in a long time actually...ok... so it starts out wif me in toa payoh...im in my sch uni and then i see a smal boi crying madly la... turns out hes daniel!!!(my CUTE SEC 1!!!) then hes not wearing sch uni... he was wearing my nursery sch's uni then he kept telling me of how his mum was dying/choking/sumting then i told him i could do CPR(when in actual fact i cant)then i dunno why but i had to climb thru this small square hole in a wall to get to her... but everytime i squeeze thru it... i run by the side of the wall... back to where i started... but anyway it carried on for quite a while... then some guy dressed in black magician/wizard robes comes outta nowhere and the guy turns out to be lester!!! (some real popular cathecist in church) so then he announces that daniel's mum is dead and that theres a new ban on BAH CHOR MEE.... cuz it was the thing that choked her...then i woke up.... pretty interesting...

daniel SORI!!! i cant control my dreams... im jus saying it as it is...

actually funni as it was.... i thot it was kinda creepy cuz when i woke up... i reflected on my dream...and i was thinking...wad kind of world would we live in if there was no such thing as mee-pok-gan-bah-chor-mee-bu-yao-dou-ya.... and it was a nitemare world i imagined.... well thank God for bah chor mee... one of the cheapest and most tantalizing voluptous tastebud tingling meals ever to exist... well i haf no idea y im talking abt bah chor mee wif this revalation/apocalyptic tone... but oh well... thats jus how it is... live wif it...i hope the new 7% gst wont affect my bah chor mee......

after reading thru this post myself... i found it absolutely ridiculous

yay im back!!!

2006-11-15T07:29:00.000-08:00

gr8...2dae i jus came back home from gabriel's stayover... finally i can get a few days rest...i've been all over the place lately and it seems as if things are slowly dying down for me...well gabriel's leg was in pretty bad shape when we visited him @ the hospital... very swollen... and while we were there... it was as if gabriel was the most popular guy around... he kept getting calls from ppl whom were most unlikely to know abt his condition... like mrs martina chan... mr ang at the retreat...etc.

anyway aside from the many mosquito bites we kept getting at gabriel's haus...it was SO COOL!!! gabriel actually stays behind the indonesian embassy and lives to some irish embassador if im not wrong...its like WOAH!!!well the swimming pool did provide alot of relief for me when i got dunked into it... cuz the mozzies stopped biting...i've had a tropical rainforest of leg hair eva since i can remember...and until staying over at gabriel's i've NEVER gotten a single mozzie bite on my leg...dang... my impenetratable fortress was invaded...

well the gd thing is that the mozzies didnt cycle in from my backside while i wasnt looking...altho there werent alot of ppl staying over... it was SUCH and anjoyable experience...i always prefer to hold my sleepover in december for a few reasons... firstly its an imitation of legion chalet to help ppl prep for the new yr...gif them some happy memories b4 they're all sucked out...and aso its a gd time for legion ppl to gather cuz of christmas... i mean there IS the christmas gathering...but its not as fun as a stayover!!!last yr we planned my sleepover within a day and it was such a hit...i still can remember so many lame stuff... like us trying to rape james on my bed.... me getting squeezed in the corner of my own bed...talking ab the black shirt girl.. the sauna @ a comfy temp of 70 degrees celcius...the swimming... julian borrowing my underwear...eugene pms-ing in the morning... edwin's rainbow socks...all so fresh in my head...and it all came abt cuz i said sumting jokinly to marcus...ordinary miracles do happen... its whether u believe in them...and whether u gif God any credit for the tiny sweets in life hes given u.....( its nearing confi so im trying to sound religiously philosophical)

SORRI FOR THE LOOOOOOONG POST!!! lots to bydtch abt...

away again

2006-11-13T05:43:00.000-08:00

eh o everyone... jus letting u all noe i wont be blogging for a grand total of ONE day...cuz tml... i'll be leaving early in the morning for the old folks home then staying over @ gabriel's place!!! i hope it'll be a bang...well at least there'll be another one yall can look forward to nearing christmas...i started out this stayover thingy... and it was such a bang...cant w8 till that time... i ABSOLUTELY LURVE CHRISTMAS!!! and realli... i never get as much satisfaction in receiving as when i gif... so for all u self centred frens out there its gd news for u!!! i esp love jeremy's policy of being cheapo during these times tho...it helps my pocket survive another yr...and i dunno why... but for me... sumting always happens around christmas thats always very striking...i mean....snow might not appear outta nowhere... but hey... i suppose its the mushy lovey dovey frenships that count....ew im sounding emo... so its i'll end off here b4 i further embarrass myself!!!

the end of the beginning...

2006-11-12T00:43:00.000-08:00

HEY EVERYONE!!! im back from confi camp!!!(not that u missed me anyway)...lets see...im actually having a bit of mixed feeling rite now...cuz im gonna be confirmed in a week, and im not gonna haf cat classes anymore...which is actually more of a sad thing than a happy moment...but then again confi is a celebration...

the thing that touched me the most during the camp was actually the final moments of it...my cathecist told us he wouldnt be able to make it for our confi cuz he would be outta town...and he was advising us on where to go on from after confi...he urged (im sounding like mr lui here...hi mr sirhan!!! if ur reading this post!!!i wish i could gif u milk and cookies online) us to join a catholic grp in church and never lose touch wif one another...and after that he broke down...but hey... it was a sentimental moment...i've heard that my class got rid of 3 teachers b4 him b4 i joined...actually wad i realli wanna do is join the youth choir which sings for the sat evening masses...BUT...im going for mass wif eugene and marcus and some occasional ppl...during that time...and i'd probably be unable to commit full time

unless by sum miracle i can get both of them to join choir wif me...but marcus cant sing well cuz of some prbs (no offense marcus!!!)sigh...maybe in 5 yrs time then...we might not be having our usuals anymore...hai... im thinking too far into the phuture...i suppose i'll still be involved in church work... well at least i noe if i ever stop going...i haf edwin to pull my ear back to church!!!

ok la 2dae's post gonna be especially long... since i havent toked in quite a while...(a grand total of 3 days) tml is going to be the doom/ruin of me... its my amaths retest day... and during the camp... i didnt haf much time to do anythign but read thru...unless they're gonna ask me wads 1+1... i think i dun stand a chance...but... i suppose i'll gif it the best shot i've got lah...thing is... im actually alright wif the idea of dropping amaths... even though it means leaving me wif 6 subs...cuz i think even though it'll be risky... im still gonna get SIX pts fors o's... or less than 9.. so i can beat my sis...thats gd enuf...haha i feel so agressive i almost wanna bet 500 bucks wif her that i can beat her o's...but... well certain lessons i've learnt in legion haf taught me not to... and when i say that... it doesnt mean i've learnt that gambling is wrong... i've onli learnt that i still owe moses a shangrila dinner... worth FIFTY STINKING BUCKS!!!!

outta place

2006-11-09T05:04:00.000-08:00

2dae i realli couldnt choose 2 be in a more awkward position...after amaths remedial i went wif hansel to eat lunch then i took a joyride wif him to st theresa's church cuz hansel wanted to visit his grandparents @ the columbarium. so i ended up saying rosaries wif him in the pouring rain... but that wasnt the awkward part... after that hansel said he was supposed to go 2 gabriel's place...for some un-psf stuff so then julian said i could tag along... which was farni since i thot it was gabriel's haus.... in the end due to some miscommunication...we DIDNT go 2 gabriel's haus...i edned up sitting wif a few psfs @ swensens in orchard wif mrs lee... well at least hansel was a psf... i didnt realli noe wad i was doing there... so i jus kept quiet...hmm... although i knew most of them... i didnt feel as if i belonged there... as if i was imposing somehow... so after we left that place... clearly we werent going to gabriel's place... so me and hansel left...hmm im not exactly jealous of the since im not a psf... but i jus didnt feel like i belonged there anymore... at least not like i used to...when we were psls...humph... tml is the starting of confi camp... looks like im in for a tough time...im gonna haf 2 mug during camp to keep my amaths sub... i hope i dun drop... but yet even if i do... i think its still possible to get my 6 pts if i work realli hard...

2006-11-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

You Are 90% Psychic

You are so very psychic.
But you already predicted that, didn't you?
You have "the gift" - and you use it daily to connect with others.
You're very tapped into the world around you...
Just make sure to use your powers for good!

Are You Psychic?

HAHA i stole it from glen!!! anyway go chek out his blog too!!! interesting... but ya noe...as usual..incomparable to mine...

pressure

2006-11-07T21:36:00.000-08:00

another stinking day... amaths remedial went by more slowly than eva...heheheh hansel aso felt bored... so i kept us entertained by typing lame messages onto my calculator...after class we wanted 2 eat but hansel had some psf meeting thingy...so we didnt after all(he kept trying to make me hungry during class by toking abt the lemon chicken at coronation!!!)sigh... if i'd haf to choose my gr8test regret in my life so far... it'll probably be missing out on being a psf...actually i shouldnt haf applied @ all in the first place... cuz wif my grades in term 2... there was no way... man... i realli shouldve listened to marcus and not applied...then @ least i'd haf the satisfaction of saying i was too gd for them...lolz... oh well on a more positive note... i did gif it a try. 2dae so far has been horrigible...somehow i feel as if i bathed in a bucket of horse piss...which makes me my usual self saying my usual line,"i am SO frikin PISSED!!!!" if i had to come up wif an acronym for pissed it would be...Perpetually In Super Shitified Emotional Drainage...

STRESS

2006-11-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

man.... studying amaths has been so boring.... i think i might realli haf to drop it... cuz like i've got until thurs 2 do hardcore studying b4 confi camp which is on fri...im gonna smuggle in some revision starf to do but...im not sure wad help that will do...getting the lowest in level is REALLI degrading man...well i noe it sounds like a little too much to dream for for me...but i realli want 6 pts for o's... and wifout amaths i'd be having onli 6 subs...meaning i haf to get A1 for all my subs...which is almost ridiculous...i wonder if its been done b4 in sji... having 6 subs and getting all A1, i've read the monthly newsletter...those high scorers always get featured...but i've never seen it b4 happen...they even feature those who got like 8 pts...but i suppose its becuz they've got 9 subs...i noe its possible, but wad are the chances? A1 in english isnt a very easy task... and worse in chinese...emaths and phy i can scrape an A1/2 but chem im not too sure...elect hist and ss i hope to get A1...i like the subject quite a fair bit...not sure y...maybe i jus like dead people...

a pic describing my day

2006-11-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

ooooooooooo julian's confi was 2dae...haha we bought him that nice mr bean bear...so cute.... if onli it was MY CONFI!!!! which is 2 weeks from now... i WANT ONE!!!! i hope someone is listening to my plea!!!!!hope is frail... but hard to kill.... but ppl please remember no one survives on a diet of hope...SO GET ME ONE OF THOSE TEDDIES!!!!!!authentic MR BEAN teddies!!!!

2006-11-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

sorrie!!!

2006-11-03T09:38:00.000-08:00

err i've put up a start up music for my blog...thing is u cant watch the videos until the song ends which is abt 5 mins long...lolz..anyway while the song plays jus go check out my other posts b4 u go watch the vids la..lolz anyway its a very nice song...i bet yall are jus dying to noe wad it is... unless yall noe already and are less dumb than i think... its melodies of life from final fantasy 9...nice song... u can find it on youtube...man i seriously think youtube should pay me for all the publicity im giving them lolz anyway...ENJOY!!!

visit to the past

2006-11-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

2dae was quite a fairly exciting day, i went back to visit my old primary sch st anthony's. the place realli changed alot in terms of its structure and all that but its pretty much the same all around.mmmm i went back cuz bro edward asked me to go back and gif the pri 6 catholics a talk on SJI...well i didnt realli think it was absolutely necessary since they'd already been to sji. but i suppose we jus wrapped it up wif our propaganda...lolz..sorrie AES...the kids were looking at the SJI books while u guys were presenting...WHOOPS MA BAD!!!IM SARRI!!! anyway i realised that wifout being high on concentrated milo, im not much of a public speaker.(when i did the britney thing ppl i was high on milo!!!)anyway i thot i sounded pretty nervous... well at least i managed to get my message across or at least i hope so... and tks to our long speeches mr thomas koh actually EXTENDED the kids' recess...yow... i neva got such treatment b4...ahh then after that alex,ryan,mark,amelia,maxi+rachel, and me started bydtching around till maxi escorted rachel home.... so sweet...i WONDER jus WAD am i getting @???lolz...and then after that maxi came back... then we talked summore till we left lor...exchanged emails and all zat...

gr8....

2006-11-02T07:05:00.000-08:00

mann... 2dae has been the dryest day in the hist of my life...i've been stuck again at home... at least until the a maths retest on the 13th of nov... until then im oni coming out for my remedial amaths lessons... and for confi camp...realli im jus DYING to go for confi camp!!! im so cooped up @ home!!! dont u eva wish sometimes that something would carry u away...like live another life for a few days...mann...too bad i dun live in harry potter's world... but then again... who'd be happy to get swept away to another sch??? figures... even in fantasy worlds its not all its crapped up to be. im trying to make a conscious effort to not put dots everywhere on my posts lolz... sam says its hard to read dots. if onli there was a way i could sleep for a few days at a go wifout being bothered, that would be so peaceful for me...

mad tv vids

2006-10-31T22:47:00.000-08:00

OOOOOOOO one of my lamest pastimes....watching madtv music vids o youtube... me against madonna is a parody of the music video me against the music... its hilarious...and its onli my favourite... there are many others like....(mad tv parody name on the left and the real mtv vid on the right..)so when ur feeling bored go type these into youtube...and luff ur ass off

me against madonna---me against the music(britney/madonna)
whatever, don't matter---whenever,whereever(shakira)
translation---objection(shakira)
prostitution---intuition(jewel)
lady madtv---lady marmalade(moulin rouge themesong)
destiny's child mad tv---emotions(destiny's child)
my slump---my humps(black eyed peas)
virginal---beautiful(christina aguilera)
trapped in a cupboard---trapped in a closet(r kelly)
the narcissist---the scientist(coldplay)

erm i dun think u should watch the other britney spoofs... cuz they're kinda suggestive if u noe wad i mean... but here it is anyway...i'm not a child---i'm not a girl not yet a woman... and.....my predicament---i dunno wads the real name. oh and one more by the fake brit. lick my baby back behind---hit me baby one more time!!!oh fyi britney's REAL song hit me baby one more time was backmasked, if u actually play it back, the part where she says hit me baby one more time...it says sleep wif me im not too young.theres a vid on youtube too abt it, go chek it out!

and of course there are other things madtv shows like skits on csi,oprah,house,whitney,mariah carey,bunifa,miss swan, desperate housewives,sopranos,terminator,alias,american idol,christina applegate,michael jackson,ashlee simpson,jessica simpson,keanu reeves,ghost whisperer,hilary duff...etc....so anyway enjoy my favourite of all these!!!!me against madonna!!!!

holiday tuesdays

2006-10-31T04:59:00.000-08:00

well... 2dae was almost like any other holiday tuesday... went to the gift of love home in the morning...did laundry even though i wore jeans....cuz i didnt feel like doing the long kangs 2dae...after that we played bingo wif the old ppl which turned out to be kinda ok actually... cuz even though I DIDNT WIN!!?!?!?!?...the old guy whom i was supposed to be playing wif...was erm... remotely stimulated... usually he jus stares into blank space.... so 2dae i gave him sumting else to stare at the bingo card la....lolz... den after that i was almost sleeping thru ze meeting... but i was kinda hungry so i kept awake...then we went to novena square for an "extended lunch".... then went to mr ang's place...then i watched like the first 20 mins of the perfect storm... then went downstairs wif alex to meet sam to discuss the combined confi afterpartay...eh... then i went to play soccer...hai... 2dae's blog posting so boring... sigh... quite normal lar... got nuthin special happening 2dae...well my confi coming up soon... but i still haf to keep my mind on the stewpid a maths retest... sigh..... so frustrating...losing sleep over such rubbish... i got the lowest score in the level.... which is 21....well i heard it wasnt as bad as last yr's lowest score which was 8.... but... still bad... so i hope i still can take a maths next yr... even though i think its a sucky sub.....

the foxy mamas of ze puttycat dolls

2006-10-30T07:13:00.000-08:00

the foxy mamas of ze puttycat dolls.... the vid was edited though :p....

ooooooooooooooooh....

2006-10-30T06:52:00.000-08:00

hey its so cool.... for a first-time/first day blogger... i think my blog looks quite pro.... lolz... anyway most of the ppl reading this post would think that theirs is definitely much betta.... man... such a shame i dunno how to use html language....if not creating skins would be such a kick....sigh....so bored now....i cant w8 for confi camp.... should be farn.... though i think i'd haf to smuggle in some a maths revision crap.... cuz my retest is jus one day after the camp....hahah damn....rite now im like totally addicted to paris hilton's nothing in this world....well i dun realli like her singing... but this song doesnt require a wide vocal range la... so i suppose she sings quite ok in this song...i heard like shes a porn star or sumting... but why would someone so rich want to be a porn star???? i thot onli those damn despo kind will want to do that kinda starf... maybe too rich.... got no kick in anything else....actually why do ppl want to be rich.... i find it like kinda bo liao leh.... like so what if u can buy wadeva u want.... its like.... redundant... besides...such things i dun think can keep u happy for very long lor....like cheap thrills onli.... then after a while then will feel damn bored....then all ur frens would be those onli want ur money kind....

waaaa anyway i cant w8 for tml.... at least i get to go out... even if it is to an old folks home... im so mentally drained...(making this lame blog!!!)....man this blog is soon gonna turn into another gossip central....

wow...

2006-10-30T00:36:00.000-08:00

this blog thingy is turning out to be betta than i expected.... haha sorrie ppl for being so slow.... but i thot blog would be like taking care of a pet.... which takes up time...... but anyway since my time is spent pretending to mug... i might as well spend it here....i suddenly LURVE blog.... its like someone i can totally crap to whenever i feel like it....ok so lets start crapping.... mmmmm well my confi is coming up.... and im still having problems... wif some stuff....ok firstly im supposed to be concentrating on my a maths retest.... but im kinda distracted by my confi afterpartay as well.....im thinking of having a combined afterpartay wif a fren...so i hope it'll turn out alright....look out for the pink ties at the ceremony anyway.... lolz...im sure me and edwin will look flashy in hot the wrongest way.....

wtfh

2006-10-30T00:05:00.000-08:00

shyt man.... i created this blog so i can haf somethng to bydtch to while my frens are all hafing farn....im stuck @ home jus cuz i got the LOWEST in level for that damned a maths sub.... if i dun pass that frikin sub then i haf to drop next yr!!!! meaning i haf onli 6 frikin subs....wa lao....ppl going 2 watch movie.... and im stuck @ home doing nuthin (when im supposed to be mugging)....wa lao.... i want to tiao lou zi sha le....................hu da hell wants to mug that frikin sub.... I HATE A MATHS!!!!!!! its not as if the teacher is bad.... im jus NOT interested.... who the hell gifs the sch the right to tell me im talented in a maths?!?!?!?!!?!? why the hell should they limit ppl to a certain no of subs after streaming... and even so.... y cant i choose the subs that i can excel in? isnt that the purpose of studying???? honing ur talents???? its not as if the sch doesnt haf the resources...we can keep switching classes wad.... the teacher doesnt haf to come to our class..... so blardy f***ing spastic..........i HATE A MATHS!!!!!!!!!its not as if we use it in the real world... why the hell do employers haf to see if ppl haf taken the sub to hire ppl.....no one uses a maths for anything..... emaths is understandable... like for counting money and stuff like simple and compound interest..... but a maths is a complete waste of time....and i think its wasting ppl's lives... doign absolute rubbish....no offense to a maths teachers and their profession.... but its ridiculous to haf such a useless sub.... they say it helps develop thinking skills.... its more like hindering it.... I HATE A MATHS!!!!!!!!